Cast—Part 3
As the car approached her house, Kane remembered that Harry had set all this in motion, had funded this fact-finding mission, and there’d been an unexpected result. She did not know how she would ever tell…
Cast—Part 2
Kane watched, too, as the world pulled away from Harry and left him behind. Then she turned toward what was ahead. She liked Harry: he had not been nearly as bad as she had expected, meaning…
Cast—Part 1
So many lights were going off that they looked like explosions, with everybody blown to bits. The image was appropriate, Harry thought, because aspects of Ulmer were being flung to photographers like meat to pigs, chum…
Lucien Murdock
I’ve always liked night markets. Something about the hustle-bustle of people doing business under the stars appeals to me. This one was situated in the ruins of a Greek temple on top of a mesa on…
2 Poems
the publishers clearing house 5,000 dollars a week for life sweepstakes if there’s one boy i dream about a lot, it’s pat sajak. but he’s always in mortal danger, holding a giant novelty check for…
Tom Cruise Story
Tom Cruise was pissed off at me for using him in a story without his consent. He had one of his people call and warn me that if I didn’t cease and desist posthaste I’d soon…
How To Tell Your Kids The Earth is Flat
Imagine enjoying a beautiful sunny day in the park with your family, when suddenly your child turns to you and asks: “Is the earth really round?” It’s every parent’s worst nightmare. What should be the triumphant…
Training Day
I stepped out of nowhere and onto the Alaskan tundra. Nails Cullen stubbed out her joint. “Hey, Milo,” she said without looking up. “We killing monsters today?” Nails was a compact, muscular young cambion with pale…
“Massive Earthquake Will Surely Destroy California Within A Year” from November, 1860
To begin this article, I want to address my detractors. Yes, I have written an article with this exact title every year since the state of California was founded in 1850. In fact, my original “Massive…
The Square of Stars
It was a drizzly Monday, and the small crowd was distracted. As usual, it was made up mostly of tourists, so enraptured by the huge movie trailers that surrounded the Square—using new technology that made ads…
Honey White
“It’s like they think I’m a criminal! What the hell?” “You are a criminal,” I said, my eyes on the road. Honey White rolled her eyes. “I’m a gemological archivist. It’s a perfectly honest occupation!” I…
The Introverts’ March
Thank you for registering for the first-ever Introverts’ March, which will take place this Saturday in Washington, D.C. and across the country. This is going to be the most passive-aggressive protest since thousands of New Yorkers…
911 Calls from People Who Still Think Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump Are Exactly the Same
“911, what’s your emergency?” *** “Yeah, hi, I’ve been in a car accident. I’m banged up pretty bad.” “Okay, what is your location?” “I’m not sure… Some brick wall. I was driving to the grocery store,…
Ghouls
“Can you narrow it down a little bit?” I sighed. “Hooded black robe, carrying a Book of Forbidden Magic, scurried into this pub. Looked like a cultist.” “This is Transylvania Prime. Do you have any idea…
Former President Obama Informally Proclaims July LGBT Rest Month
Subject : You must be exhausted. Sarah — June was a busy month for my family. Michelle and I bought a home a few blocks away from our old one. We took the girls on a…
Why-to Have a Child
*why-to: a short and helpful guide to motivate one’s pursuit of activities either a.) previously not pursued or b.) pursued so regularly that no one knows or remembers why they’re doing them in the first place.…
The Train
I found the train’s porter in the dining car, industriously polishing the long wood bar. It was a gremlin, a small humanoid amphibian with huge ears and bright green eyes with slit pupils. They’re passive-aggressive, ill-mannered…