The Weather

Gnat Slayer

Five quarter-turns of the hot knob and one of the cold always rendered the correct temperature. There was no need to do a quick test with the hand, so his chest made first contact with the…

You Bug Me

Nobody understands pop music. Even the artists, labels, publishers, radio execs, ASCAP, BMI, they don’t know what makes a hit. Or else they’d do it over and over. Duh! It’s like: “Great song.” “Here’s another just…

Do they still love Trump in Bedrock?

If there is a place truly emblematic of the white working class towns and small Rust Belt cities that put Donald Trump in the White House, it has to be Bedrock. The town was once so…

Tom Cruise Story

Tom Cruise was pissed off at me for using him in a story without his consent. He had one of his people call and warn me that if I didn’t cease and desist posthaste I’d soon…

How To Tell Your Kids The Earth is Flat

Imagine enjoying a beautiful sunny day in the park with your family, when suddenly your child turns to you and asks: “Is the earth really round?” It’s every parent’s worst nightmare. What should be the triumphant…

The Introverts’ March

Thank you for registering for the first-ever Introverts’ March, which will take place this Saturday in Washington, D.C. and across the country. This is going to be the most passive-aggressive protest since thousands of New Yorkers…

Why-to Have a Child

*why-to: a short and helpful guide to motivate one’s pursuit of activities either a.) previously not pursued or b.) pursued so regularly that no one knows or remembers why they’re doing them in the first place.…

Welcome to Donald’s Platinum

Is your local McDonald’s suddenly a cultural melting pot? Nowadays, it feels like a hard working American can’t even get an old-fashioned burger, what with all the wasabi-ginger salads and burrito wraps behind the counter. Sure,…

Alchemy

Hey Sara! Sorry I’m late. You look great. What smell? Oh that’s probably sulfur from all the alchemy I’ve been getting into. I hardly even notice it any more. Oh no, if anything, alchemy is bigger…

The Broker Commandments

And now, a reading from The Book of Urban Exodus—The Broker Commandments, as brought down from Washington Heights by real estate agent Moses “Mo” Swisher, inscribed on a pair of BlackBerry PlayBooks. I.    Thou shalt…