The Weather

Welcome to Donald’s Platinum

Is your local McDonald’s suddenly a cultural melting pot? Nowadays, it feels like a hard working American can’t even get an old-fashioned burger, what with all the wasabi-ginger salads and burrito wraps behind the counter. Sure,…

Alchemy

Hey Sara! Sorry I’m late. You look great. What smell? Oh that’s probably sulfur from all the alchemy I’ve been getting into. I hardly even notice it any more. Oh no, if anything, alchemy is bigger…

The Broker Commandments

And now, a reading from The Book of Urban Exodus—The Broker Commandments, as brought down from Washington Heights by real estate agent Moses “Mo” Swisher, inscribed on a pair of BlackBerry PlayBooks. I.    Thou shalt…

This Divorce is Brought to You by Splenda

There’s no getting around it, what I’m about to tell you is going to be difficult to hear. Your mother and I have decided to get a divorce. Now, I’m not going to sugar coat it,…

Baby-in-Waiting: From Cradle to Fave

After the success of our “Baby Diet: Diet for Babies”, we thought we’d touch on what babies are actually doing right. It turns out that, although the traditional diet of milk and pureed foods does absolutely…

A Business Letter to 2 Chainz

Dear Mr. Tauheed “2 Chainz” “Tity Boi” Epps,   Let me first begin by saying that I am a big fan, in fact, all of us here at Charleston & Sons Funeral Home are big fans.…

Words from the Poet Laureate

Say there. Say. You. Yeah you, the one raising his pussy drink to his pussy lips lined with that curly pussy beard. Yeah that’s right, I just totally inverted your supposed symbols of testosterone-fueled manliness and…

Hey Kid

“…”   “Oh, hey there, pal. Is that Brendan I’m talking with here?”   “…”   “Brandon? They should call you Brando, you got such acting chops.”   “…”   “What? It’s me, kid, Maury. Maury…