The Weather

Tom Cruise Story

Tom Cruise was pissed off at me for using him in a story without his consent. He had one of his people call and warn me that if I didn’t cease and desist posthaste I’d soon…

How To Tell Your Kids The Earth is Flat

Imagine enjoying a beautiful sunny day in the park with your family, when suddenly your child turns to you and asks: “Is the earth really round?” It’s every parent’s worst nightmare. What should be the triumphant…

The Introverts’ March

Thank you for registering for the first-ever Introverts’ March, which will take place this Saturday in Washington, D.C. and across the country. This is going to be the most passive-aggressive protest since thousands of New Yorkers…

Why-to Have a Child

*why-to: a short and helpful guide to motivate one’s pursuit of activities either a.) previously not pursued or b.) pursued so regularly that no one knows or remembers why they’re doing them in the first place.…

Welcome to Donald’s Platinum

Is your local McDonald’s suddenly a cultural melting pot? Nowadays, it feels like a hard working American can’t even get an old-fashioned burger, what with all the wasabi-ginger salads and burrito wraps behind the counter. Sure,…

Alchemy

Hey Sara! Sorry I’m late. You look great. What smell? Oh that’s probably sulfur from all the alchemy I’ve been getting into. I hardly even notice it any more. Oh no, if anything, alchemy is bigger…

The Broker Commandments

And now, a reading from The Book of Urban Exodus—The Broker Commandments, as brought down from Washington Heights by real estate agent Moses “Mo” Swisher, inscribed on a pair of BlackBerry PlayBooks. I.    Thou shalt…

This Divorce is Brought to You by Splenda

There’s no getting around it, what I’m about to tell you is going to be difficult to hear. Your mother and I have decided to get a divorce. Now, I’m not going to sugar coat it,…

Baby-in-Waiting: From Cradle to Fave

After the success of our “Baby Diet: Diet for Babies”, we thought we’d touch on what babies are actually doing right. It turns out that, although the traditional diet of milk and pureed foods does absolutely…

A Business Letter to 2 Chainz

Dear Mr. Tauheed “2 Chainz” “Tity Boi” Epps,   Let me first begin by saying that I am a big fan, in fact, all of us here at Charleston & Sons Funeral Home are big fans.…