Memoir

Vacation Rental By Owner

To help pay for life after graduate school, I listed my old house on a vacation rental website. It had rented to the same tenants for the eight years I was away, a fussy Republican couple…

The Weather

Astro Guide: June 16-20

Gemini (22 May – 21 June) This week you will discover a new method of preparing your favorite sandwich. Congratulations!   Cancer (22 June – 22 July) While driving down the interstate this week, you will…

A Catalogue of My Neuroses

Classy

The other day I signed up for a class called “Cake Decorating Course One: Building Buttercream Skills.” Happily, each weekly session of Building Buttercream Skills is only two hours long, leaving me plenty of time for…

The Weather

How To Spend My Book Advance*

Commission an elaborative portrait of myself in which garbage is spread across a football field in my likeness and photographed aerially from a balloon I’m riding in.   Laser hair removal package.   Custom suit jackets…

Pop Culture

It’s a Rip-Off!

The Don Henley/Frank Ocean/Okkervil River beef (re)raises questions about our specious understanding of intellectual property, specifically with regards to music. I’ve always thought there’s something morally smelly about being able to make a bucket of money off of…

Waterfronts

Two Red Things

This piece is part of Waterfronts, a series of personal essays that engage with the waterways of New York and/or Los Angeles, presented in collaboration with Underwater New York. The ocean has many colors. Whenever I look…

The Weather

Intern Guidebook

Welcome super interns! We at BigBouncer would like to congratulate you on being accepted to the 2014 internship program. It was a tough competition. You should all be very proud of yourselves. Here’s a bit of…

Ideas for Novels

Brush Choppers—Nic Canine is a hardscrabble bush pilot with a penchant for dental hygiene and “gittin’ ‘er done.” But, when one of his buddies goes down in a thick patch of bush brush deep in the…

The Weather

Astro Guide: June 9-13

Gemini (May 22 – June 21) Home Depot Orange. Undershirt Ecru. Plum Forgot. Grew This Tomato Myself. Kid, your array of “dad hues” blew me the fuck away. Before I invest eight million dollars in this…