The Weather

Astro Guide: June 2-6

Gemini (May 22 – June 21) Your new apartment is troublingly compact—not enough room to swing a cat in! That’s a problem, Gemmy; the Hoboken Cat-Swinging semifinals are Thursday and you are way behind on your…

Ideas for Novels

Orthopedic Novel—The healing heft of this mighty tome is a must for the hardworking writer. Lay it on your lap, ass or fingers and feel the pressure ease. Heat in the microwave for bonus relief! —…

Ideas for Novels

2 Much Guff—The hotly anticipated sequel to Enough, Guff! rebuffs everything, including itself. — Guod Ynnuf, Prid, NJ

Waterfronts

Registering Motion

This piece is part of Waterfronts, a series of personal essays that engage with the waterways of New York and/or Los Angeles, presented in collaboration with Underwater New York. I’ve worked on ships. I can talk about…

Ideas for Novels

Pork-Fried Champs—A group of committed athletes decide that, while they would like to win a championship they are also unwilling to give up on eating fried pork. As a compromise, they decide that they will become…

The Weather

Astro Guide: May 26-30

Gemini (22 May – 21 June) Spring has sprung, the rose doth bloom more ruddy ‘neath the dew, and local fauns will decide you might be “one of the good ones” after all—even given That Thing…

Ideas for Novels

Star Wars: The Novels—Nothing could be simpler than taking the wildly popular Star Wars film franchise and extrapolating a bunch of other crap about it in book form. We could start with the children of Leia…