The Powers of Deduction (Part 2)
“Please explain, my dear Heaps,” I finally snapped, unable to contain my curiosity any longer, “how you plan to return this gemsbok to our client if you insist that there can be no gemsbok.” “I said…
The Powers of Deduction (Part 1)
You are by now well acquainted with the powers of my good friend Lamenter Heaps. He has consulted for Lampscam Fry, for the renouncers of the Charge in Swelterment Mod, and for Saponifier Milkvictor himself. It…
Gnat Slayer
Five quarter-turns of the hot knob and one of the cold always rendered the correct temperature. There was no need to do a quick test with the hand, so his chest made first contact with the…
You Bug Me
Nobody understands pop music. Even the artists, labels, publishers, radio execs, ASCAP, BMI, they don’t know what makes a hit. Or else they’d do it over and over. Duh! It’s like: “Great song.” “Here’s another just…
This Is A Wonderful Town With Generous Doctors and Pharmacists
I live in one of those rare towns with a generous pharmacist whose arm you do not need to twist to sell you pain pills without a prescription. My pharmacist’s name is Michael Hallberg, but everyone…
Buen Día
When I first met Stan in Father Derrida’s Bookshop I thought he was a hobo. He was drunk and rambling about the president, but he wasn’t getting carried away and so I moved closer, and the…
Why-to actually Have (as in give Birth to) a Child
*why-to: a short and helpful guide to motivate one’s pursuit of activities either a.) previously not pursued or b.) pursued so regularly that no one knows or remembers why they’re doing them in the first place. Why-to…
Do they still love Trump in Bedrock?
If there is a place truly emblematic of the white working class towns and small Rust Belt cities that put Donald Trump in the White House, it has to be Bedrock. The town was once so…
Where We Sit
We got here late and it was very crowded. It will be hard for anyone to remember us in the church, listening to the Christmas music and the priest. Where we sit, a priest is not…
SIPs at the Table
The man sat at the kitchen table, ignored by the child. The boy sat on the other end, his feet planted on the kitchen laminate with his eyes and most of his face obscured by the…
Cast—Part 3
As the car approached her house, Kane remembered that Harry had set all this in motion, had funded this fact-finding mission, and there’d been an unexpected result. She did not know how she would ever tell…
Cast—Part 2
Kane watched, too, as the world pulled away from Harry and left him behind. Then she turned toward what was ahead. She liked Harry: he had not been nearly as bad as she had expected, meaning…
Cast—Part 1
So many lights were going off that they looked like explosions, with everybody blown to bits. The image was appropriate, Harry thought, because aspects of Ulmer were being flung to photographers like meat to pigs, chum…
2 Poems
the publishers clearing house 5,000 dollars a week for life sweepstakes if there’s one boy i dream about a lot, it’s pat sajak. but he’s always in mortal danger, holding a giant novelty check for…
Tom Cruise Story
Tom Cruise was pissed off at me for using him in a story without his consent. He had one of his people call and warn me that if I didn’t cease and desist posthaste I’d soon…
How To Tell Your Kids The Earth is Flat
Imagine enjoying a beautiful sunny day in the park with your family, when suddenly your child turns to you and asks: “Is the earth really round?” It’s every parent’s worst nightmare. What should be the triumphant…
“Massive Earthquake Will Surely Destroy California Within A Year” from November, 1860
To begin this article, I want to address my detractors. Yes, I have written an article with this exact title every year since the state of California was founded in 1850. In fact, my original “Massive…