How To Tell Your Kids The Earth is Flat

Imagine enjoying a beautiful sunny day in the park with your family, when suddenly your child turns to you and asks: “Is the earth really round?” It’s every parent’s worst nightmare. What should be the triumphant…

Training Day

I stepped out of nowhere and onto the Alaskan tundra. Nails Cullen stubbed out her joint. “Hey, Milo,” she said without looking up. “We killing monsters today?” Nails was a compact, muscular young cambion with pale…

“Massive Earthquake Will Surely Destroy California Within A Year” from November, 1860

To begin this article, I want to address my detractors. Yes, I have written an article with this exact title every year since the state of California was founded in 1850. In fact, my original “Massive…

The Square of Stars

It was a drizzly Monday, and the small crowd was distracted. As usual, it was made up mostly of tourists, so enraptured by the huge movie trailers that surrounded the Square—using new technology that made ads…

Honey White

“It’s like they think I’m a criminal! What the hell?” “You are a criminal,” I said, my eyes on the road. Honey White rolled her eyes. “I’m a gemological archivist. It’s a perfectly honest occupation!” I…

The Introverts’ March

Thank you for registering for the first-ever Introverts’ March, which will take place this Saturday in Washington, D.C. and across the country. This is going to be the most passive-aggressive protest since thousands of New Yorkers…

911 Calls from People Who Still Think Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump Are Exactly the Same

“911, what’s your emergency?” *** “Yeah, hi, I’ve been in a car accident. I’m banged up pretty bad.” “Okay, what is your location?” “I’m not sure… Some brick wall. I was driving to the grocery store,…

Ghouls

“Can you narrow it down a little bit?” I sighed. “Hooded black robe, carrying a Book of Forbidden Magic, scurried into this pub. Looked like a cultist.” “This is Transylvania Prime. Do you have any idea…

Former President Obama Informally Proclaims July LGBT Rest Month

Subject : You must be exhausted. Sarah — June was a busy month for my family. Michelle and I bought a home a few blocks away from our old one. We took the girls on a…

Why-to Have a Child

*why-to: a short and helpful guide to motivate one’s pursuit of activities either a.) previously not pursued or b.) pursued so regularly that no one knows or remembers why they’re doing them in the first place.…

The Train

I found the train’s porter in the dining car, industriously polishing the long wood bar. It was a gremlin, a small humanoid amphibian with huge ears and bright green eyes with slit pupils. They’re passive-aggressive, ill-mannered…

A Clockwork Trump

As given to Bruce Bauman by Zed Cone* Last night around 2 AM I was working on a new music review—OK, I was really reading the sports pages when this popped up on my screen: “Please…

Regulated Ink

Dire Watchword moved his mouth in something approximating a smile when I walked through the door of his tattoo parlor. It was a learned behavior—werewolves don’t really understand why baring their teeth is supposed to put…

Splash Mountain

To me, watersports is one of the most erotic things I can think of. Think about it. Whether you’re a voluptuous woman or hardbodied man, there’s nothing quite like the liquid sheen of water to bring…

VX

We were the leaders of a secret association of Bob Dylan fans, living exclusively in a Boles Aero, where bells of iron, brass, and silver along the walnut ceiling would tinkle, tinkle, tinkle. Below this gentle…

Episode 2

Middle of Nowhere

The delicate crimson filigree that covered the left side of the surgeon’s face had been etched into her skin with techno-organic bacteria and edged with liquefied rubies. It was a physician’s glyph, a highly specialized magical…