911 Calls from People Who Still Think Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump Are Exactly the Same

“911, what’s your emergency?” *** “Yeah, hi, I’ve been in a car accident. I’m banged up pretty bad.” “Okay, what is your location?” “I’m not sure… Some brick wall. I was driving to the grocery store,…

Ghouls

“Can you narrow it down a little bit?” I sighed. “Hooded black robe, carrying a Book of Forbidden Magic, scurried into this pub. Looked like a cultist.” “This is Transylvania Prime. Do you have any idea…

Former President Obama Informally Proclaims July LGBT Rest Month

Subject : You must be exhausted. Sarah — June was a busy month for my family. Michelle and I bought a home a few blocks away from our old one. We took the girls on a…

Why-to Have a Child

*why-to: a short and helpful guide to motivate one’s pursuit of activities either a.) previously not pursued or b.) pursued so regularly that no one knows or remembers why they’re doing them in the first place.…

The Train

I found the train’s porter in the dining car, industriously polishing the long wood bar. It was a gremlin, a small humanoid amphibian with huge ears and bright green eyes with slit pupils. They’re passive-aggressive, ill-mannered…

A Clockwork Trump

As given to Bruce Bauman by Zed Cone* Last night around 2 AM I was working on a new music review—OK, I was really reading the sports pages when this popped up on my screen: “Please…

Regulated Ink

Dire Watchword moved his mouth in something approximating a smile when I walked through the door of his tattoo parlor. It was a learned behavior—werewolves don’t really understand why baring their teeth is supposed to put…

Splash Mountain

To me, watersports is one of the most erotic things I can think of. Think about it. Whether you’re a voluptuous woman or hardbodied man, there’s nothing quite like the liquid sheen of water to bring…

VX

We were the leaders of a secret association of Bob Dylan fans, living exclusively in a Boles Aero, where bells of iron, brass, and silver along the walnut ceiling would tinkle, tinkle, tinkle. Below this gentle…

Episode 2

Middle of Nowhere

The delicate crimson filigree that covered the left side of the surgeon’s face had been etched into her skin with techno-organic bacteria and edged with liquefied rubies. It was a physician’s glyph, a highly specialized magical…

As a Midwesterner, I am deeply unimpressed with this nuclear winter

I swear, you people are such wimps. Every day it seems someone in this bunker wants to whine about how, “almost everyone on earth is dead,” and, “this is the end of civilization,” and, “whaaaa! it’s…

Episode 1

Welcome to Donald’s Platinum

Is your local McDonald’s suddenly a cultural melting pot? Nowadays, it feels like a hard working American can’t even get an old-fashioned burger, what with all the wasabi-ginger salads and burrito wraps behind the counter. Sure,…

Classic Poems, As Written by the Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me! Limerick-Writer

You’re wondering what I have done The fruit in the fridge, it is gone So cold and delicious It wasn’t malicious I was hankering, dear, for a _________. (Answer: plum) I’m sighing and feeling some stress…

How to Make Your Hair Say: “I Care About Water Quality in the Developing World, but Not in a Depressing Way”

[The following is an excerpt from Gabrielle Moss’s phenomenal Goop spoof, Glop, which was published December 6 by Dey Street Books, an imprint of HarperCollins. Ed. note: Glop makes an excellent stocking-stuffer!] We all love the look and feel of sexy, classic…

Alchemy

Hey Sara! Sorry I’m late. You look great. What smell? Oh that’s probably sulfur from all the alchemy I’ve been getting into. I hardly even notice it any more. Oh no, if anything, alchemy is bigger…