Regulated Ink

Dire Watchword moved his mouth in something approximating a smile when I walked through the door of his tattoo parlor. It was a learned behavior—werewolves don’t really understand why baring their teeth is supposed to put…

Splash Mountain

To me, watersports is one of the most erotic things I can think of. Think about it. Whether you’re a voluptuous woman or hardbodied man, there’s nothing quite like the liquid sheen of water to bring…

VX

We were the leaders of a secret association of Bob Dylan fans, living exclusively in a Boles Aero, where bells of iron, brass, and silver along the walnut ceiling would tinkle, tinkle, tinkle. Below this gentle…

Episode 2

Middle of Nowhere

The delicate crimson filigree that covered the left side of the surgeon’s face had been etched into her skin with techno-organic bacteria and edged with liquefied rubies. It was a physician’s glyph, a highly specialized magical…

As a Midwesterner, I am deeply unimpressed with this nuclear winter

I swear, you people are such wimps. Every day it seems someone in this bunker wants to whine about how, “almost everyone on earth is dead,” and, “this is the end of civilization,” and, “whaaaa! it’s…

Episode 1

Welcome to Donald’s Platinum

Is your local McDonald’s suddenly a cultural melting pot? Nowadays, it feels like a hard working American can’t even get an old-fashioned burger, what with all the wasabi-ginger salads and burrito wraps behind the counter. Sure,…

Classic Poems, As Written by the Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me! Limerick-Writer

You’re wondering what I have done The fruit in the fridge, it is gone So cold and delicious It wasn’t malicious I was hankering, dear, for a _________. (Answer: plum) I’m sighing and feeling some stress…

How to Make Your Hair Say: “I Care About Water Quality in the Developing World, but Not in a Depressing Way”

[The following is an excerpt from Gabrielle Moss’s phenomenal Goop spoof, Glop, which was published December 6 by Dey Street Books, an imprint of HarperCollins. Ed. note: Glop makes an excellent stocking-stuffer!] We all love the look and feel of sexy, classic…

Alchemy

Hey Sara! Sorry I’m late. You look great. What smell? Oh that’s probably sulfur from all the alchemy I’ve been getting into. I hardly even notice it any more. Oh no, if anything, alchemy is bigger…

Mountain High

On Batman’s previous adventure, “The Erotic Adventures of Batman” [WHICH WE NOW PRESENT AS AN ILLUSTRATED SPIN OFF E-BOOK CLICK CLICK CLICK- Ed.] we left our hero, Batman, in Peoria, Illinois where he’d taken up temporary residence with his new best…

The Broker Commandments

And now, a reading from The Book of Urban Exodus—The Broker Commandments, as brought down from Washington Heights by real estate agent Moses “Mo” Swisher, inscribed on a pair of BlackBerry PlayBooks. I.    Thou shalt…

TED Talks, Small Talk, and an Actual Guy

Director: Aaron Sorkin; Cast: Ted LeFrank as himself, Meg Whitman as herself, Aaron Sorkin as himself, and Seth Green as Computer Ted LeFrank had never been ambitious. He’d worked at a pizza restaurant in his hometown…

Who am I Now?

This is what I remember: Hugo Hickey seemed morose and unbalanced. His tongue was yellow (I saw it when he yawned). I felt a familiar tug of hair-envy—his parted straight down the middle, winged at each…

This Divorce is Brought to You by Splenda

There’s no getting around it, what I’m about to tell you is going to be difficult to hear. Your mother and I have decided to get a divorce. Now, I’m not going to sugar coat it,…

To the Lost: A Re-Discovery of the Deservedly Forgotten She’s My Gal, Pal! (1967)

Director: Jerry Lewis; Cast: Jerry Lewis, Sir Laurence Olivier, Elke Sommer, Buddy Hackett and David Niven In the summer of 1967, Columbia Pictures released the unlikely Jerry Lewis and Sir Laurence Olivier musical She’s My Gal,…