The Weather

911 Calls from People Who Still Think Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump Are Exactly the Same

“911, what’s your emergency?”

***

“Yeah, hi, I’ve been in a car accident. I’m banged up pretty bad.”
“Okay, what is your location?”

“I’m not sure… Some brick wall. I was driving to the grocery store, but it looked like there were some rain clouds ahead I didn’t want to deal with, so I turned around, swerved into this alley and just sped into this brick wall. So… yeah. Send all your paramedics to brick walls. I’m at one of them.”

“So you’re saying the conditions ahead of you seemed like they weren’t completely ideal and presented potential challenges so you just… uh, decided to go in the opposite direction… and then… destroy your car?”

“Don’t take that smug tone with me! C’mon! People get in accidents in the rain all the time, anyway. Even I see the logic in that, and I have a full-blown concussion.”

***

“Hi, good morning. I got my left hand torn off trying to feed Scout.”

“Oh no. You lost your hand, ma’am?”

“I didn’t lose it. I see it right there, next to the coffee table.”

“And your… pet did this to you?”

“Yeah, Scout. My lawn mower.”

“…”

“And, look, before you try to lecture me, I already got the whole ‘A cat and a lawn mower aren’t exactly the same thing’ spiel from my grandson in California. Call me old-fashioned, but if a cat could potentially scratch you once in a while, how is that any different from keeping a gas-powered lawn mower running in the corner of your living room all day and night?”

“So… you want us to send an ambulance?”

“No! I want you to send me a new lawn mower. I pay my taxes!”

***

“Yeah, let’s see, can I get an order of fried wontons, and– is your double-cooked pork in spicy sauce, like, REALLY spicy?”

“Sir, I think you might be getting 911 confused with the number for a Chinese restaurant.”

“Oh, yeah, right! Don’t you push your politics on me! You’re all part of the same corrupt system of phone numbers. I dial my phone, a person answers, it’s all the same crap. YOU just don’t want to accept the ramifications of that huge insight. Wake up! Now do I get my wontons, or do you get the worst Yelp review of your life?!”

***

“Send help! My entire family and I jumped off the roof of our apartment building and we’re all badly injured!”

“Okay, stay calm. Is everyone breathing?”

“Yes, fortunately, my wife and two kids had their falls cushioned by our carry-on baggage.”

“Your carry-on… okay. Don’t tell me you’re one of those people who claim air travel and jumping off a roof are exactly the same thing.”

“Of course not. Air travel is so much WORSE than jumping off a roof! You’re insane if you believe they’re flying the straightest, fastest path from takeoff to landing. ALL their routes are crooked. And the PRICES! I don’t get cheated out of my money and take it lying down. Well… I mean, right now, both my legs are broken. But I’m not keeping quiet about it, believe me.”

“Sir, I need you to calm down and think a little more clearly.”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying! Whatever happened to just thinking really hard about where you wanted to go and jumping as far and high as you can, like we did in the 80s?”

“I think you might be romanticizing that era a little bit, sir.”

“Look, I’ve got a family to raise. I care about my kids’ future, unlike SOME people. That’s why I taught them to work hard, right down to flapping their arms with suitcases in both hands.”

“Sir, what is the address of the building you just compelled your family to leap from?”

“Oh, no, you don’t! That’s a complete invasion of our privacy! Do you think I’m an idiot?”

***

“Hi, my entire head is covered in lacerations. I was pursuing an argument with someone who accused me of being dangerously shortsighted, selfish, and apathetic when I declared there’s absolutely no difference between Trump and Clinton.”

“Okay. And this other person attacked you?”

“No, no, this wasn’t in person. This was an argument on Facebook. I just didn’t feel like typing, so I figured I’d smash my head through my laptop screen and shout my rebuttal at the top of my lungs.”

“Oh my God.”

“Yeah, that’s what everyone in this coffee shop said.”

“Why did you think that would work? You realize that the internet is a very large, complicated system involving countless levels, factors, processes, efforts, interests, and other people’s lives, and it isn’t centered entirely around you and your immediate perception, right?”

“Uh huh, sure. How much did Big Internet pay you to say that?”

***

“Yeah, excuse me, it’s been an hour! Where the hell are my wontons?”

“Sir, we’ve been over this and over this.”

Eric Stolze writes ad copy, articles, and screenplays in Los Angeles.