Thank you for registering for the first-ever Introverts’ March, which will take place this Saturday in Washington, D.C. and across the country. This is going to be the most passive-aggressive protest since thousands of New Yorkers covered that subway station in Post-it notes. You’d never guess from looking at us, but we “tactivists” (taciturn activists) are pretty jazzed.
We’re jazzed to have a public space where we can condemn Donald Trump’s xenophobic, racist policies without having an anxiety attack (fingers crossed). Finally, the voiceless will have a voice, which we will opt not to use as to not overwhelm each other.
Our group has drafted some guidelines to ensure a tranquil march, which you can read below (to yourself, without moving your lips). Please keep these ground rules in mind as you pad softly along the Mall, and try not to make a spectacle of yourself.
To ease the psychological burden for those riding mass transit, we encourage tactivists to organize silent carpools. Please: Do not diminish this momentous event with small talk. Our shared presence and willingness to brave a festival-type atmosphere speak volumes.
The march will commence at 2pm, allowing each participant plenty of time to muster the strength to leave home on a Saturday.
If you can read another person’s sign, you are standing too close to them. Back off. Many Introverts will already be disoriented, having just woken up. Most consider eye contact to be a hate crime.
Bullhorns, noisemakers, and shoes that clack will be confiscated. What is this, the World Cup? If you want to express your frustration with this administration, try writing it down or crossing your arms.
If you feel compelled to promote the march on social media, you may do so using the hashtags #IntrovertsMarch and #StrengthInSilence. But try not to brag about how “engaged” you are, and please keep the caps to a minimum.
There will be no shouting or chanting, thank god. Volunteers will provide earplugs, but we recommend tactivists bring headphones so they can march to the beat of their own audiobooks.
Porta-Potties along the march route will double as “recharging stations” where Introverts can stand in the dark for a few minutes, breathe, and take a break from all the hoopla—like they do at parties. Hey, progress is smelly; that’s why it’s a squiggly line.
Photography of any kind is forbidden. It’s natural to want to document such an historic gathering of shut-ins, but we are shut-ins for a reason. For a lot of us, the snapping of a picture triggers a bloodthirsty reaction a la the garden party scene in “Get Out.”
Upon reaching The White House (or wherever your march culminates), we will stop and raise one finger in the air to indicate that we want this jerk to be a one-term president, tops. We will hold that finger up for a solid 15-20 seconds, really let him have it. Then we’re heading home to our Netflix.
All told, the march should take about an hour.
As you disperse, please be sure to collect any belongings you or other Introverts may have left behind, such as Xanax, Kindles, and cats.
Remember: Donald Trump is the devil, but hell is other people.
Evan Allgood's work has appeared in McSweeney's, The Millions, LA Review of Books, The Toast, and The Billfold. He lives in Brooklyn and contributes regularly to Paste. Follow and maybe later unfollow him on Twitter @evoooooooooooo.