The Weather

“Massive Earthquake Will Surely Destroy California Within A Year” from November, 1860

To begin this article, I want to address my detractors. Yes, I have written an article with this exact title every year since the state of California was founded in 1850. In fact, my original “Massive Earthquake Will Surely Destroy California Within A Year” article was the one which first broke the news to the world that California had become a state.

Before then, you may have remembered my yearly articles were titled “Massive Earthquake Will Surely Destroy California Territories Within A Year.”

With those facts on the table, yes, I’ll admit that up until now, California has yet to be destroyed by a massive earthquake.

However, trust me: 1860 is the year California will be destroyed by a massive earthquake. I stake my reputation as a journalist that only reports on the possibility of California being destroyed by a massive earthquake on it.

Why now? Because the Big One is due. Like I said in my famous article from 1859, “The San Andreas fault underneath California has never been in a more precarious situation than right this second, much like what I said in my famous article from 1858.”

California sits atop a powder keg and the fuse has already been lit. It’s a long fuse, for sure, but definitely not longer than 12 months. For the past decade, I was wrong when I made that exact same statement each and every year, but this is the year I’m correct about the length of that fuse. I’ve spent the last few months studying fuses, and, let me tell you, I know all there is to know about them. You show me a fuse, and I’ll instantly be able to tell whether or not it’s a fuse. 100% of the time.

When I say “Destroy California,” I mean complete annihilation. Buildings will crumble, mountains will sink, and every human being who kept telling me to admit I was wrong about the quake, or at least make a larger time estimate for it happening than a single year, will be buried in rubble and debris.

On that day, I will truly be like Nostradamus before me: vindicated by my correct predictions and also remarkably handsome.

Trust me, all residents of the doomed state should evacuate immediately. I recommend going East, but those fond of water can go West. Living in the turbulent Pacific is still safer than on that dynamite-shaped stick of dynamite known as California.

Did you know “California” comes from the Spanish word meaning “To be destroyed by a massive earthquake in 1860”? Those Spaniards sure have a word for everything and every year.

And before I get asked, no, I won’t apologize to those individuals who heeded my advice to evacuate due to my several previous “Massive Earthquake Will Surely Destroy California Within A Year” articles, leaving behind their homes and friends for seemingly no reason. They’ll be the same ones thanking me when California crumbles this year and all of their left behind friends are swallowed by the Earth.

Well at least those who didn’t head West and instantly drown will thank me. They’ll thank and congratulate me on my remarkably handsome resemblance to Nostradamus.

All in all, drownings and numerous incorrect conjectures aside, believe me when I say with complete surety that 1860 is the definite year that a truly massive earthquake will most certainly, without a single doubt, bet your soon to be swallowed by the Earth house on it, obliterate California.

And if not, I’ll write this article again next year.

Keaton Patti is a writer and comedian living in New York City. You may remember him from the previous sentence.