The Weather

How To Tell Your Kids The Earth is Flat

Imagine enjoying a beautiful sunny day in the park with your family, when suddenly your child turns to you and asks: “Is the earth really round?” It’s every parent’s worst nightmare. What should be the triumphant moment of your child finally shaking off the globalist agenda and awakening to the truth can easily become a source of childhood traumas if not handled correctly. Here are a few tried and true strategies to get your child through this important life event:

Tell the Truth.

Grab the elephant in the room by the horns and pin a truth tail on that globe-filled pinata. The best way to tell someone something is to say it very directly without any overly complicated mixed metaphors. “The Earth is flat [INSERT CHILD NAME] and there is nothing you or I can do about it. Do you want to get ice cream?“

Console Them.

If learning the truth upsets your children you need to find out what bothers them. If it’s the fact that you lied, come clean about some other white lies you told to protect their feelings. This should instill in them the value of lying.  If it’s the fact that a flat earth destroys their view of a heliocentric model of the universe, calmly remind them that Copernicus was a heretic and a fraud.

Make it a Privilege.

Not every kid is mature enough to handle information like this, but your kid is. Let them know that the time has come for them to stop being a globehead and bask in the overwhelming flatness. Don’t forget to tell them that while it isn’t up to them to spoil the secret to their friends and classmates, it is always helpful to drop a guiding question and lead them in the right direction. “Where is the curvature?” or “Did you see NASA take those pictures?” are good places to start.

Distract them.

Start talking about Santa Claus or Gremlins 2 and soon enough they’ll forget all about the initial question. This method will become less effective as your child grows older and can result in being placed in a home.

Don’t ever tell them.

A true classic. Just keep lying and they’ll never know the true nature of our planet. A lot of very successful people have been raised this way. No shame in taking the coward’s way out.


Matt Patrick lives in New Jersey with his wife and daughter. His work has appeared in Flapperhouse and Monkeybicycle. He once met RL Stine.