The Weather

This Divorce is Brought to You by Splenda

There’s no getting around it, what I’m about to tell you is going to be difficult to hear. Your mother and I have decided to get a divorce. Now, I’m not going to sugar coat it, we’re all adults here and most doctors agree that consuming natural sugar leads to liver disease. We haven’t been in love for quite some time.


You see, our marriage was based on a very outdated way of thinking. We were together in high school and through college, we both found secure employment, marriage seemed like the next logical step. It’s just what people did. However, this led to regret, and that regret led to resentment. We’re guilty of subscribing to conventional wisdom instead of listening to our hearts, our minds, or the FDA.


Marriage isn’t a sure thing. You grow up and, unfortunately, sometimes you grow apart. Sure, if we had a panel of 100 scientists conduct exhaustive studies over a twenty-year period to guarantee our marriage would be healthy, we would’ve done it. But kids, if love worked like that it would be called the “No Calorie Sweetener Industry.” We were a recipe for disaster.


Say, speaking of reci—sweetheart are you going to throw up? Oh, you’re hyperventilating. You’re good? Okay.


Say, speaking of recipes, here, have a dish of your mom’s Splendid Tropical Yogurt Parfait®. It’s the perfect summer treat that the whole family can enjoy no matter the occasion. There you go. It’s good and good for you. Some might call that a win-win. I know I would.


While I have you here, there’s one more thing I think you should hear from me before you hear things from your friends or on the news that aren’t true. Chlorine is found in a number of our foods—lettuce, tomatoes, melons, peanut butter, and yes, some No Calorie Sweeteners. Chlorine hasn’t been proven to cause cancer and should be accepted as part of daily life. I’m tired of the stigma.


Your mother and I love all of you. We don’t regret the life we built and we would do it all over again without question. And hey, we’re young. It’s never too late to start over, find happiness, lower bad cholesterol, reduce the risk of heart disease, aid weight loss, manage Type 2 Diabetes, and get enough fiber.


Everyone raise your Splendid Tropical Yogurt Parfait®. Here’s to new beginnings and alternative sweetening methods.


Sure, perfect, now you throw up.

Dan Rozier lives in Ohio. His work has been featured in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Splitsider, and Cincinnati Magazine. He tweets at @barf_city.