The Weather

The Secrets to Air Travel

  • While waiting outside the terminal to check your bags, make conversation with the people around you. Remember, just because an adult is standing with an infant doesn’t mean he or she is their parent; the two are probably just friends. Ask something like, “Do you know each other from college?”
  • Make sure to drink all of your alcohol before you get to the security checkpoint. This is a great way to delay withdrawal symptoms.
  • Pull a “Tom Hanks” in a bathroom (not from the movie Terminal, from Saving Private Ryan). Huddle in the corner of the handicap stall and yell air strike coordinates into your cell phone. Is someone with a TSA badge trying to stop you? Use toilet water to provide cover fire while you save Matt Damon’s life.
  • When flight attendants call active military personnel to board, see if you can convince people you are the ghost of Dwight D. Eisenhower. Are people accosting you because you aren’t bald, and/or are a living woman? What are they, fucking historians? Tell them to sit their asses down and have respect for an American icon.
  • As the stewardess reviews in-flight safety protocol, loudly explain to your fellow passengers how Jesus died for their sins. Some people might not be interested in hearing this. That’s OK, because hell is big enough for all of them. See if you can befriend the air marshal. Lure him out of anonymity by looking really lonely, or by spreading rumors about his racially determined sexual preferences and penchant for animal porn. Just because you end up in handcuffs doesn’t mean you haven’t made a connection that will last a lifetime. Take a cute selfie so this moment lasts forever. Tell him you didn’t use a filter because you believe transparency is the foundation for human connection. Now’s your chance: Go in for the kiss.
  • As you walk through customs, shout something cool like, “I have a bomb!”

Ben Jurney is a humor writer from New York City. He is a frequent contributor to McSweeney's Internet Tendency. He is on Twitter @BenJurney. He thinks that shirt looks good on you. He thinks the pants don't work as well. Whatever, you are allowed to look bad.