The Weather

The Itinerary for Your Princess South American Cruise: Swim, Sun, and Nazi Hunting in Argentina

This 29-day Princess adventure will whet the exploratory appetite of even the most seasoned traveler! We guarantee an unforgettable cruise with lots to see and lots to do both on and off our ship!

Our journey begins in Miami, Florida where we will depart on one of our Sun-class vessels, carrying up to 1,990 passengers and 924 crew members. Be sure to send a postcard to your loved ones—once aboard you will not be able to contact home due to the sensitivity of your adventure. Not that you’ll want to—you’ll be having too much fun!

From Miami, we sail for Argentina. Enjoy our many activities on board like our climbing wall, our four pools, and our fine dining and nightly entertainment. Try all of our amazing restaurants and buffets, some available 24-hours a day. And we have a fully stocked library where you will be required to spend a few hours a day familiarizing yourself with extradition and war crimes laws, as well as analyzing any relevant documents from the Nuremberg Trials. All in the sunny tropics!

Early riser? You’ll love our morning yoga classes on the sunny top deck. Night owl? Our luxury bar and lounge features singers and comedy acts until 3:00 am. Brainy? Learn a new language with our on-staff teachers! They’ll teach you basic phrases in Spanish and German like, “Where’s the beach?” “How much?” and, “I know you’re on the run for war crimes, Nazi scum, you can’t hide down here forever!”

At the helm on this voyage is Simon Tusa, one of our most trusted captains. Capt. Simon came to us from Israel, a former military and intelligence man who left over a frustration that, in this day and age, there are still war criminals who have avoided prosecution for their crimes in the 1940s and ’50s. But Mossad’s loss is our gain! With a love of the sea and a thirst for adventure, Capt. Simon will steer you to a great vacation!

Stay in shape in our fully stocked gym. Classes led by on board instructors feature training in small arms and hand to hand combat with an emphasis on disabling older war criminals without breaking hips. Learn how to zip-tie hands without spilling your drink! We have a fun obstacle course that simulates storming the walls of a palatial Argentinian compound that was paid for with dirty, dirty Nazi money.

Once we reach the coast of Argentina, you’ll have lots of chances to explore the country. Kayak through beautiful tropical coves to contact Mossad operatives in the region. See fish, coral, and damning evidence of war crimes!  Our trips ashore will let you explore both big cities and small towns to meet the locals, sample their cuisine, and ask them to if they recognize anyone from photos of Nazi war criminals who escaped justice after the Second World War.

Build a strong enough case on your on-shore adventures and we can head to our home port of The Hague with a guest in our Princess Cruise Leto Deck Prison. If our case lacks legality, we will have to finish the job the Princess way: righting the scales of justice with the grim and lethal precision you’ve honed on board, forever making the world a cleaner place by ridding it of criminals on the lam from universal condemnation. And all done in time to be back on the boat for our award winning seafood jambalaya!

With the adventure concluded, we haul anchor and sail to Miami, full of sun, sea food and tales of hunting down the world’s most notorious and unconvinced war criminals. But don’t take our word for it, listen to these testimonials:

“Who knew, in 2014, there were still so many unrepentant Nazis living in South America!”
– Josh from Wilmington

“I’ll never forget the sunrises on deck and the look on the face of that old Nazi when we blew the doors off of his safe-room and arrested him for crimes against humanity. Still keeps me up at night.”
– Sharon from Witchita

“Unlimited shrimp! Wow!”
– Gabe from New York

So what are you waiting for? You too can enjoy the once-in-a-lifetime chance to take an unparalleled, all-inclusive adventure!  We’ll see you at sea and we’ll see every Nazi straight to Hell!

James Folta is a writer and a comedian based in Brooklyn. He's published on McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Splitsider, The Toast, Esquire, and others. You can read his published work on