Since you’re all food “scientists,” maybe one of you can tell me what’s wrong with the two chocolate disks, one covered with cream and one embarrassingly naked, I’ve placed before you. If you can’t, think back to when I hired all of you to create a cookie that couldn’t be dismantled! If you still can’t see the problem, check your pink slip under “Reason for being fired,” but it’s pretty much what I just said.
How difficult was my request? You just had to take the cookie and cream design that I stole from Hydrox while posing as a food patent inspector and make it so no amount of force could separate the components. When a customer pulls apart a cookie, they see it as a product flaw. “Why this cookie is as fragile as the integrity of whatever company makes it,” is what they say. I’ve heard those exact words on several occasions. Oreo was to be the one unbreakable cookie that would make the National Biscuit Company a household name! Now we’ll still just be known by prisons in need of cheap crackers that can’t be easily turned into shivs.
I know you all said it would be hard to make a cookie edible with my demands, but that’s where the “scientist” part of your job title should’ve come into play. I didn’t hang up those periodic tables around your laboratory as pieces of art. Sure, I framed them nicely and made sure they were at a tasteful eye level, but ultimately you were supposed to use those efficiently tabled elements to defy standard cookie-breaking physics. Did you guys even try using Krypton or Boron? They sound useful at least.
I mean, I hired you guys because you made the Tootsie Roll. Those things are twice as strong as a brick and three times as tasty, so I figured this would be a piece of unbreakable cake for you guys. I guess I put too much faith in science yet again. Despite mankind’s advances, some things will always be out of our reach. Immortality, knowing what number someone is thinking of, and cookies that can’t be pulled apart are all impossibilities that can only exist in our dreams. And maybe heaven, if it exists and has cookies. Which I imagine it does.
Well, you have until the end of the day to clear out your things from the lab. To prove I’m not an entirely bad guy, I will write you all letters of recommendation and sign them with my real name if you want. Also, you can take home all of these faulty cookies. I can’t stand to see them anymore. Plus, we somehow have an ant problem and they aren’t helping.
Don’t worry about the National Biscuit Company. I have a feeling that Hershey’s will soon be visited by a certain food patent inspector to check on their popular chocolate kisses. They’re top-sellers as is, but just wait until my team makes them even more flavorful and impossible to remove from their foil wrapper!
Oh, I’ll probably need you guys for that.
You’re all rehired!
Sorry that I do this every week.
Keaton Patti is a writer and comedian living in New York City. You may remember him from the previous sentence.