The Weather

I’m Going to Kill Evan

I’m going to kill Evan, I just need to get off my Mom’s couch first. I am going to do it. All by myself. I don’t need any help. I don’t need a training manual or tips and tricks for murder. I don’t need to practice.

I’m going to kill Evan, I just need to shower first. After my shower I’ll look and see where he’s “checked in” at. He’s probably at Chipotle or Coco’s. He’s like the Mayor of those places now. I just need to make sure no one else is there and tagged with him. He’s always tagging people in his check in’s. I don’t know why he’s so popular, he’s such a douche. I’ve really got to kill Evan.

I’m going to kill Evan, but I’m going to have to re-wear yesterday’s boxers. Laundry day is today. I could push him down some stairs. That works because if there are enough stairs, Evan will die. If there aren’t enough stairs Evan will just be badly hurt, but I could still hope for some internal bleeding? Man that would be great. People probably wouldn’t believe it, he’s a very good dancer. His last Vine was him doing the Nay-Nay. I really need a job, other than killing Evan.

I’m going to kill Evan but I need to eat something other than Boiled Peanuts and RC Cola. If I could only choke Evan out. But Evan works-out and has a big neck. I can’t get my origami fingers around it. He tweets about Crossfit all the time. #newPR #beastmode. I haven’t worked out in months. The holidays really took a toll this year. Babysteps though. I’ll just use Mom’s 15’s to curl while I watch The Steve Harvey Show.

This is how I can end his life; I should poison his protein shake. He’s always going on and on about how good he feels post workout when he gets his almond milk, goji berry, kale infused, coconut water laced, whey upper shake and never shares it with me. I could slip in a little poison and no one would be the wiser. He’s always going on about how it’s all organic. “Only natural things pass these lips, ‘Big’ Bro.” I always roll my eyes but he never sees me do it.

I need to kill Evan, because if I see another picture of him on Instagram or on our Mom’s fridge accomplishing something and I don’t get that job interview at Bank of America, I’m going to kill myself. That sounds real hard though. Where would I even start?

Matthew Johnson writes in Los Angeles and listens to East Coast Hip Hop. He tweets @johnsonspeaks.