Everything That Is Left Will Be Used
At the top of the page Oma has written, “Start with an experienced butcher. Have the butcher show you his top round, not bottom round steak.” If you were more like your Oma, you would know…
Metropolis Squires—A tight-knit group of landed gentry quest in a contemporary, urban environment. Cultural hijinks ensue. — Chris “American” Tire, Mintville, KY
Notes On Your Big, Fat, Poopy Baby Scene
Good, very good. I loved the commitment, especially the part where you screamed, “I’m a big, fat, poopy baby!” and then pooped in your diaper. I think I can speak for everyone in this acting class…
Banana Cat
Strap-ons, Strippers, and Poet-Selves: In Conversation with Kendra DeColo
In Kendra DeColo’s Thieves in the Afterlife (winner of Saturnalia’s Poetry Prize, selected by Yusef Komunyakaa), our speaker encounters Gary Coleman’s face tattooed on an ass cheek, “I Heart Pussy” carved into a bench, and a…
Hairy Novel—Makes a great pet! — Deirdre Grier, Chronicle, PEI
Astro Guide: June 2-6
Gemini (May 22 – June 21) Your new apartment is troublingly compact—not enough room to swing a cat in! That’s a problem, Gemmy; the Hoboken Cat-Swinging semifinals are Thursday and you are way behind on your…
Col. Claus’ s Yuletide Conflagration DVDs
Famous Failures takes us on a comprehensive tour of humankind’s most confident leaps in the wrong directions. The column examines history’s greatest worsts, and gives Lasik to our cultural hindsight. In today’s case file, an attempt…
Orthopedic Novel—The healing heft of this mighty tome is a must for the hardworking writer. Lay it on your lap, ass or fingers and feel the pressure ease. Heat in the microwave for bonus relief! —…
It’s 1851, Dammit: A Review of Wes Anderson’s Remake of Training Day
Director: Wes Anderson; Writer: Wes Anderson (based on David Ayers’s original screenplay); Cast: Ian McKellan, Jason Schwartzman, Adrien Brody, Frances McDormand, Bill Murray, and Josh Groban When I first heard that Wes Anderson would be remaking Training Day,…
2 Much Guff—The hotly anticipated sequel to Enough, Guff! rebuffs everything, including itself. — Guod Ynnuf, Prid, NJ
Extra Time
I Want To Teach Kids Who Listen To Hip-Hop
To Whom It May Concern: I am writing to express my particular interest in a teaching position at Martin Luther King, Jr. Junior High School. While I have no teaching experience per se, I did get…
Hallucinations Belong To Everyone: Mad Men Final Half-Season Wrap-Up
There’s no point in not starting with the greatest bit of Mad Men insanity, is there? Of course there’s not. Apart from being the best imaginable sendoff for Robert Morse (1), Don has a habit (2)…
Ideas for Goggles—Like, reflective; 3D; smello-vision, etc. — Capt. Jeanne Reno, Port Republic, WA
Our Dog Sammy Has Accepted a Position at a Farm Upstate
Thank you so much kids for gathering here on such short notice for an all-hands meeting in the living room. I realize that your afternoon playtime is valuable and I wouldn’t bring you here if it…
Registering Motion
This piece is part of Waterfronts, a series of personal essays that engage with the waterways of New York and/or Los Angeles, presented in collaboration with Underwater New York. I’ve worked on ships. I can talk about…