The Weather

You Are Not the Boss of Sharon

My editor says I should mention something here regarding the absence of the next chapter of “Morongolalia.” I have two things to say. First, I’m required to apologize. So, I’m sorry. Second, I take it back!…

Jokes For Robots, v.4.0

4.0.1 A robot programmed to sell encyclopedias stops at a farmhouse, at which he interfaces with the farmer’s wife, the farmer’s daughter, and a milking machine. As all three encounters are with organic and/or non­interfacing analog…

Astro Guide: February 10-14

Aquarius (21 January – 19 February) You’ve walked by something like a million dogs in your life, and never once has one had the decency to say hello. This is all about to change. Soon, dogs…

The Secrets to Air Travel

While waiting outside the terminal to check your bags, make conversation with the people around you. Remember, just because an adult is standing with an infant doesn’t mean he or she is their parent; the two…

Astro Guide: February 3-7

Aquarius (21 January – 19 February) A man your mom dated before she met your father will send you a letter this week, in which he suggests you meet for coffee. Your palms will sweat all…

Honest and Unbiased: Summit Coffee

Summit Coffee Davidson, NC 1 Star In college the coffee shop kitty corner to one end of campus was this place called Summit Coffee. The name was meant to warn incoming customers of the café’s overall…

Why the Long Face?

“Why so somber?” I asked “Forgive me, sir. I am ignorant of having demonstrated somberness,” he said, seeming to increase in somberness. “You weren’t exactly demonstrating signs of it, I merely surmised your somber disposition from…

Morongolalia: Tirratarratorratarratirratarratum!

Read the first six posts from the Morongolalia series.  I never understood physics. Newton’s cannonball, after being released by Maxwell’s demon, makes certain that Schrödinger’s cat’s definitely dead. Wigner’s friend buries it in the backyard under…

Astro Guide: January 27-31

Aquarius (21 January – 19 February) In the new year, you resolve to set aside your artistic hobbies and finally get serious about money. Like, really serious. You begin drawing solemn portraits of coins standing beside…

Honest and Unbiased: Esteem or Sauna?

Esteem or Sauna? Los Angeles, CA 2 stars Last weekend, my mom suggested a visit to a “positivity spa,” and I’m willing to concede I was pretty skeptical from the beginning. After a couple lightheaded hours…

Rorschach Test Guide for Beginners

by Dr. Friedrich Tenuous, PhD The following manual is intended as a pocket-sized resource for preparing fledgling psychiatrists and refreshing established ones. If the patient sees…   1. A butterfly – The patient is lying. They think…

The Pants of Our Generation

You’ve read the first two scenes of Sweatpants Wedding. You’ve heard its first two songs. You’ve learned of its humble origins. You’re privy to the controversy over its authorship. You’ve felt the power of the mysterious woman…

Honest and Unbiased: Tree World

Tree World Santa Monica, CA 2 Stars Last week, my co-worker Lauren and I got to talking about Christmas. I have an interesting relationship with this Lauren. She always talks about grabbing lunch or after-work cocktails,…