The Weather

Astro Guide: January 27-31

Aquarius (21 January – 19 February) In the new year, you resolve to set aside your artistic hobbies and finally get serious about money. Like, really serious. You begin drawing solemn portraits of coins standing beside…

Honest and Unbiased: Esteem or Sauna?

Esteem or Sauna? Los Angeles, CA 2 stars Last weekend, my mom suggested a visit to a “positivity spa,” and I’m willing to concede I was pretty skeptical from the beginning. After a couple lightheaded hours…

Rorschach Test Guide for Beginners

by Dr. Friedrich Tenuous, PhD The following manual is intended as a pocket-sized resource for preparing fledgling psychiatrists and refreshing established ones. If the patient sees…   1. A butterfly – The patient is lying. They think…

The Pants of Our Generation

You’ve read the first two scenes of Sweatpants Wedding. You’ve heard its first two songs. You’ve learned of its humble origins. You’re privy to the controversy over its authorship. You’ve felt the power of the mysterious woman…

Honest and Unbiased: Tree World

Tree World Santa Monica, CA 2 Stars Last week, my co-worker Lauren and I got to talking about Christmas. I have an interesting relationship with this Lauren. She always talks about grabbing lunch or after-work cocktails,…

Morongolalia: Tough Drunks Do Dance

Read the first five posts from the Morongolalia series.  Oh happy day, I wasn’t dead. No, I was dancing with a gorgeous, curly-haired woman. Yes! I thought, The annatoad worked. “Annatoad,” I chuckled, rather pleased with…

Astro Guide: December 16-20

Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December) In the spirit of “you are what you eat,” you decide to try to soften some of those rough fire-sign edges with a diet of exclusively super-cute foods: gummy bears,…

Honest and Unbiased: Psychedellicatessian

Pyschedellicatessian Denver, CO 5 Stars One thing I know: The chicken wing is a beautiful thing and ought to be consumed. One other thing I know: My girlfriend is a vegetarian and expects me to follow…

Pet Soundz

Pet Soundz is a weekly advice column for pet bands and their owners/managers, written by Reggie Fulsom, former Owner/Manager of the seminal pet punk band Choke Chain. It is syndicated in over five hundred newspapers worldwide. …

Sweatpants Wedding: “Act” 2

Ten weeks ago, Sweatpants Wedding, the concept—not the future hit musical itself—first graced these pages. Eight weeks ago, we posted what some of us thought was Act 1. Two weeks ago, we discussed a forthcoming Act…

The Struggling Humorist III

The Struggling Humorist was in deep shit. The sacred crust of denial that held his domestic situation intact was crumbling. One of the Struggling Humorist’s benefactors had called his cell and found that instead of a…

Astro Guide: December 9-13

Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December) On Christmas morning, your mother—who continues to insist you’d look “so much prettier” with side bangs—gives you that year-long eHarmony membership you vehemently refused all fall. Unrelated: Your lucky numbers…

Honest and Unbiased: Neighborhood Psychic

Neighborhood Psychic Silver Lake, CA 4 Stars I’ve been living in the same neighborhood for about three years now. All the basics are right around the corner: Charbucks, Trader’s Joe’s, there’s even a Thai massage place…

Chocoholaddiction

Could that be… is that… a chocolate bar you have there? Surely you don’t want to eat that. You don’t want to risk sinking into the irretrievable depths. You don’t want to become an addict… like…

Morongolalia: Annatoad

Read the first four posts from the Morongolalia series.  Next thing I recall I was in our room on one of the two beds, half-rolled in the rug we’d encountered upon entering the one-night-commune. Somehow I…