The Weather

Astro Guide: April 7-11

Aries (21 March – 20 April) The weather is getting warmer! Time to quit eating celery and hop on the nearest boxcar heading in the direction of the Horseshoe Bend Riverboat Casino for some well-deserved R&R.…

Honest and Unbiased: Nails 4 U

Nails 4 U Los Angeles, CA 2 Stars I’m not what you’d call a high maintenance person. I know that most people who say they are not high maintenance are exactly the opposite, but I promise…

Friends, Romans, Cuntrymen!

April 3, 2014 Thomas Nathaniel Andersen 123 Main St. San Pedro, CA 90056 Amazon Kindle Direct Publishing Mr. Jeff Bezos 1516 2nd Ave. Seattle, WA 98101   Dear Mr. Bezos, I am writing in regards to…

Raw Recap: 3/31/14

Last night’s Raw was the last on the “Road to Wrestlemania,” it was full of people punching each other and talking about how much they want to punch each other at Wrestlemania later this week. Jerry…

Astro Guide: March 31-April 4

Aries (21 March – 20 April) You can do slices if it makes you feel better, but you already know you’re eating the whole thing.   Taurus (21 April – 21 May) You accidentally lock eyes…

Lesbian Sex Positions, Demystified

What do two women really do in the bedroom? At what point do you sensually clasp hands? Is blue the warmest color, or just a bad dye job? I don’t have all the answers, but I can give…

Morongolalia: Montana Is the Cruelest Month

Read the first nine posts from the Morongolalia series.  As an armchair geologist, I do my daily fuck-off expeditions, which begin shortly after the sun falls westward enough that its light pushes in through the metal slats…

Dear Muffy

Dear Muffy, I’d like to set the record straight: last week’s defeat of the Go-Go-Naut’s Green Team by your White Extreme Gleam Team was not and cannot be a league-sanctioned win. Using your adult butler, Bailey,…

Dear Muffy

Dear Muffy, I’d like to set the record straight: last week’s defeat of the Go-Go-Naut’s Green Team by your White Extreme Gleam Team was not and cannot be a league-sanctioned win. Using your adult butler, Bailey,…

Astro Guide: March 24-28

Aries (21 March – 20 April) Having filled out your NCAA tournament bracket according to the auras of each school’s home jersey, you will glide into April in a state of impenetrable serenity. Your footsteps will…

Honest and Unbiased: Crotchco

Crotchco Los Feliz, Los Angeles 2 Stars I’ve been avoiding Crotchco for years. The last time I was there, the parking situation alone was bad enough. Foreign pedestrians scuttling in front of cars with their cheese…

Thank You for Your Recent Purchase

Thank you for your recent purchase. We here at government.com are confident you will enjoy your genuine, 100% Assembled in the U.S.A* politician. Our fine product will provide you and your loved ones with access to…

Advice for Sweatpants Wedding, Part Two

This is the second installment of Advice for Sweatpants Wedding, a series of interviews that are part of a larger documentary project called Future Hit Musical Sweatpants Wedding, the subject of which is an unfinished stage…

Astro Guide: March 17-21

Pisces (20 February – 20 March) You might not believe this, Pisces, but you’ll meet a man on the street who has a giant exotic cat on a leash. He’ll ask you if you’ve ever played…