Books

How to Make Your Hair Say: “I Care About Water Quality in the Developing World, but Not in a Depressing Way”

glop-cover

[The following is an excerpt from Gabrielle Moss’s phenomenal Goop spoof, Glop, which was published December 6 by Dey Street Books, an imprint of HarperCollins. Ed. note: Glop makes an excellent stocking-stuffer!]

We all love the look and feel of sexy, classic hair that has bounce, volume, and clearly communicates our beliefs regarding worldwide resource access issues in a positive, upbeat way. But while it’s easy to walk out of a salon with waves that absolutely shout, “Let’s discuss UNICEF’s report on Water, Hygiene and Sanitation in a chill, relaxed way that won’t make you feel like anyone is getting mad about how often you water your lawn,” it’s much tougher to achieve that look at home, especially during the busy work week.

Or is it? Glop’s favorite styling expert, Marjorie Huppington-Worthington, of Los Angeles’s Marjorie Huppington-Worthington Salon—the world’s only certified all-green salon located inside a solar-powered luxury children’s treehouse—has some simple tips about how to get hair that says “I’m socially engaged! But not someone who is going to be a downer if you get plastic bags at the grocery store and then just throw them away, I get that we’re all just here to hang”:

  • After your shower, towel dry and divide hair into four sections. Roll hair into hot rollers and let sit 1.5 minutes.
  • Unroll, and mist with a light, flexible finishing spray. We like the Marjorie Huppington-Worthington Salon’s “Zuma Breeze Spray,” which is made from actual breeze that Marjorie hand-bottles while tanning on Zuma Beach.
  • Using a round brush, flip curls slightly outward for that “Salman Rushdie once talked to me about filtration systems at a party” vibe.

INSIDER TIP

Flip your head upside down and then back up before leaving the house for a looser look. Looking for a finish that makes it clear you’re here to discuss ideas in an unaggressive, purely intellectual way, and won’t try to make anyone sign a petition at the end? Simple! Just work some coconut oil through your tips.

 

From GLOP by Gabrielle Moss. Copyright © 2016 by Gabrielle Moss. Reprinted by permission of Dey Street Books, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.

Gabrielle Moss's work has appeared in GQ, The Hairpin, Bitch, and other fine publications. Follow her on Twitter @gaby_moss to see if she ever changes her mind about Nickelback.