The Weather

What Happens Right Before I Get My Hair Cut

At a nice salon.

Beautiful Receptionist: Okay, there’s Justin! Let’s go over the plan to humiliate him in front of everyone in the shop.

Sexy Stylist: I’ll ask him what he’s looking for today and make sure he incoherently mutters and mimes awkwardly with his hands.

Cute Girl With Broom: Nice. I’ll be sure to quietly sweep next to him after you ask about his terrible dandruff.

(They high five scissors.)

Handsome Broad-Chested Man Having Hair Cut: As the only other male patron in this salon, I’ll have an easy, hilarious rapport with everyone so that it feels awkward when Justin inevitably falls silent.

Beautiful Receptionist: I will have sex with you after work.

Sexy Stylist: Me too.

Cute Girl With Broom: We all will.

The Only Male Stylist: I’m going to look extremely effeminate only to then ask him something about professional sports he doesn’t know, thus insuring his embarrassment in front of you girls.

Handsome Broad-Chested Man Having Hair Cut: And me!

(Everyone laughs.)

Sexy Stylist: Quiet! Here he comes.

(Everyone falls silent as Justin walks up to the entrance of the salon.)

Beautiful Receptionist: God, I hate him.

At a barbershop in my terrible neighborhood.

Owner: Looks like we’ve got a walk-in. Okay, which one of you “stylists” has done meth most recently?

Twitching Man With a Face Tattoo: That’d be me.

Owner: And the dosage on your meds is way off, right?

Twitching Man With a Face Tattoo: Yep.

Owner: Perfect. Be sure to breathe heavily on his neck.

At my apartment.

Roommate: Justin just texted me. He has an important meeting tomorrow and wants to know if one of us will cut his hair tonight.

Other Roommate: Sounds serious. Let’s get drunk.

Roommate: Awesome. What kind of cut should we give him?

Other Roommate: The Lesbian?

(They high five scissors.)

Justin Shipley is a writer, improviser, and perpetual office assistant living in Los Angeles. He once waited in line for the restroom behind Chris Pine, so yeah, he's doing just fine, thanks.