The Weather

We’re Never Going to Get this Grave Robbed if You Keep Staring at Your Phone

You see? That’s the problem with people your age. You’re standing around looking at your phone when you should be helping your cool, beer-buying cousin rob this grave. We drove all the way out here and you haven’t so much as scooped a single heap of bone dirt.

For God’s sake your shovel is on the ground. Where is your appreciation for the world around you? It’s beautiful out here, the moon is bright, the air is cool, and I know for a fact that this woman happened to be very wealthy, so get to getting.

I went to her wake, that’s how. It’s called research—and I did it without a Smartphone.

It’s up to me to set an example. When I was your age, things were different. Sure, it wasn’t THAT long ago, but we were more concerned with regular teenager things. You know, going to the movies, driving around aimlessly, chasing girls, and stealing jewelry and nice clothes off the deceased at the local cemetery.

Man, things were so much easier back then.

At the end of the day, there’s nothing on that box that’s as important as the present. Spending your entire life in an unblinking fog, drooling at vacations, first days of school, and conversations that you have nothing to do with is no way to spend your time. Your life on Earth will be less than a blink of an eye, so if I were you I’d enjoy it.

Can you hand me the crowbar. No. That’s a hammer. We’re not there yet. The crowba—thank you.

Anyway, like I was saying, sometimes I feel like people are disconnecting. Whether it’s sitting in front of the television, at stoplights, out to dinner, we’re all constantly pursuing anything else. It’s like we can’t stand the present. I know it’s cliché to say, but it makes me wonder if it’s all been worth it, all of the technology, that is. Constant connectivity, instant gratification, and a one- touch-and-your-wish-is-granted mentality have permeated nearly every aspect of our lives. In everything that we’ve gained, I think like we’ve lost just as much. I’m not sure whether the whole thing makes me sad, sick, or both. Maybe I’m being dramatic, but sometimes I wonder what life would be like if—Holy shit. Dude. Jackpot. I told you she was rich.

Hurry, I need a light. Give me your phone.

Dan Rozier lives in Ohio. His work has been featured in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Splitsider, and Cincinnati Magazine. He tweets at @barf_city.