The Weather

Well, Well, Well, If It Isn’t The Family Whose House I’ve Broken Into.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the family whose house I’ve broken into.

How convenient.

What a coincidence that you should show up at the exact time I was packing up your home stereo system into this box for me to lift from your possession, along with a long list of other items I’m in the process of stealing from you.

If you wouldn’t mind removing your shoes before you enter the living room, that would be much appreciated, as I will be taking those as well.

Please, have a seat. I’ve already put your armchair and couch into the U-Haul truck that’s idling outside on your driveway, so you’ll have to sit on the floor.

It’s so nice of you to join me.

I didn’t hear you come in, although I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that a family whose Blu-ray collection consists solely of a copy of I, Robot doesn’t have the common decency to knock before entering. You’ll be happy to know I’m leaving that behind, although you’ll have trouble viewing it now that I have taken your Blu-ray player. I think it’s for the best, anyway.

Can I get you something to drink? Maybe a latte? Oh, wait, I’ve already stolen your espresso machine as well.

Sorry.

This is fun, isn’t it? All of us here, together. Kind of reminds me of last Wednesday night, when we were first gathered here. You of course were not aware of my presence then, as I was standing outside your window casing the joint while you all sat in the living room playing a game of Scrabble, which, by the way, I am also taking.

Oh, and before I forget to ask, what kind of dog food does that adorable little Terrier-mix of yours eat? I believe Buddy is his name? Or should I say was his name? He will be coming with me. We have built quite the rapport in the short time I’ve spent here. And just FYI, Buddy is a bit too trite for my taste. His name is now Chris.

Well, I don’t want to overstay my welcome. Would one of you mind helping me carry out the desktop computer? It’s in that box in the corner where your grandfather clock used to be.

That reminds me, one last thing before I go: could I get the number of your grandfather? I couldn’t help but pack up his photo earlier. What a sweet looking man. My grandfather died years back and I’ve been in the market for a new one ever since. And the more I think about it, the more I’d love to get to know the new patriarch of my family over a casual phone conversation. I’m renaming him Chris as well.

Matt Ingebretson is a writer and comedian in LA. He has written for McSweeney's, The Soup, Funny or Die, and the Onion.