I just want to thank everyone for a great team meeting. We sure accomplished a lot! It looks like we’re making good progress on our client reports and the new car-sharing program. Thanks for grabbing the baton and running with it, Jerry.
I just want to circle back to a couple moments during the meeting. I felt a bit of pushback on the new refrigerator policies—Nancy, I know you felt like our ban on tuna was directed at you, but I just want to reiterate that this is a company-wide policy. And Dan, I know you expressed concerns about our new mandatory organ cultivation, but we were just taking this meeting to run the idea up the flagpole and see if it worked. No need to get bogged down in the weeds!
I think if we sit back, we should be proud of what we’ve accomplished here. Our new online processes will really help streamline everything. Our commuter benefits program is poised to become one of the best. And our ballpark estimates around the number of first-wave organ harvests are looking great!
I see some of you are still trying to wrap your heads around the organ cultivation discussion point. One quick point, if we can use the term “compulsory donation” instead of “corporate-sponsored organ farming”, that would be great. The messages from Human Resources have been pretty clear about staying on-brand.
My two cents is that this is really a win-win situation. After all, hasn’t the discussion around stocking the break room really splintered our team morale? Limiting all employees to a liquid diet would sure clear up that confusion!
The company just doesn’t want to leave any money on the table here. Remember how Carol took the flower arrangements from the last corporate retreat home with her? This is just like that. Just a low hanging fruit. Hopefully a high iron, blood type O, kidney-type of fruit.
I know this is a bit of a paradigm-shift for us. But in today’s competitive marketplace, we have to face the facts: widgets just aren’t the cash-cow they used to be. Remember our company slogan: In The Name Of Fiduciary Responsibility. It sounds better in Latin.
Honestly, we’re going to start out and see just how far we can push the envelope. At first, we’re planning on focusing on the core-competencies: kidneys, livers. But we’ve heard some exciting research around both the upper and lower intestines. Fingers-crossed, we should be ready to bring these to market too in about three to four months!
We’re going to touch base with legal in the next few weeks to really hammer out the details. But based on my initial read-through, it looks like all of this was laid out in the company on-boarding packet that everyone signed, right between the meal-reimbursement policy and the corporate-recognized holidays. Can we just take a moment to give a short round of applause again to Human Resource’s Fourth of July office decorating contest? Don’t want to overshadow their great work. Although, I guess after this initiative, we can refer to all of you as Human Resources. Haha, it’s just that type of humor that makes me proud of our industry recognized corporate culture!
So let’s all leave the weekly meeting with that kind of can-do attitude I know you have! And remember: when the rubber hits the road, it’s non-team-players who will make up the first round of reaping.
Amy Rosenthal is both a comedy writer and a lawyer-in-training. There's more overlap than you’d think. Her work has appeared in McSweeney’s, Satire V, and on the door to her Mother’s refrigerator. She currently lives in New York and can be reached at email@example.com.