How did I not know about this? I wrote down July 5th. Is it really November 5th? I’m running for Senate—how did I get this wrong?
Jeez Louise, I’m totally boned. I canceled all those donor meetings and fundraising dinners thinking I had extra money. That’s why I kept saying I’d rent a couple vans and we’d all drive down to the shore on July 6th. That’s why I was acting like a big shot and buying everyone’s frozen yogurt. I told an intern to get a second cup and just fill it with toppings!
Did everyone know the election was in November and just didn’t tell me? Is that why Wolf Blitzer giggled when I said the voters will decide who they want as Senator in July? For months now I’ve been like, “Why was that Wolf Blitzer guy giggling?” I thought I had some mustard on my tie. I spent two million dollars preparing for blowback on “Mustard Gate.” We filmed that thirty second spot where I met with the Dijon people and talked about my support of the American mustard industry. I bought a bunch of new ties—mustard yellow ones, that wouldn’t show mustard stains. That was three hundred dollars of my own money. Wait, is the American mustard industry not a thing? I thought it was like the auto workers or the teamsters. They’re not a voting bloc? What could I have possibly been confusing mustard with? Working class blacks? Is that racist? I don’t think so, but now I don’t know what to think.
I couldn’t have just misheard it—November and July sound nothing alike. Oh fudge, I’m going to get in trouble for saying I didn’t know the difference between a jar of mustard and working class blacks. But that’s so silly—how mad can those blacks get? Rats, I said “those blacks,” and that’s definitely racist.
I mean, I guess this answers my question of why we were electing senators the day after the Fourth of July. I was like, is everybody gonna go to the polls right after July 4th? It feels like everyone would be super tired and totally not up for it. Maybe some people would just go straight from the fireworks, but I would totally get being so pooped you just didn’t feel like it. I figured that’s why nobody votes in this country. Is that really not the reason? Wait, you mean people are so disillusioned by the government that they’ve become apathetic to the entire process? It’s not that everyone just ate a bunch of hot dogs is just kind of zonked out? That’s so sad.
Wait, we’re not in my office, but stranded in the middle of the Alaskan tundra? So that’s why you’re looking at me like what I’m saying is totally irrelevant to the current situation. But that doesn’t explain why Wolf Blitzer is here. Wait, he’s actually a wolf? And we’re actually about to be eaten by ravenous wolves? I tell you, the American electoral process is the worst.
Matthew Brian Cohen is a writer and performer at the UCB Theater in New York. He has written for Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update, College Humor, The Onion News Network, and McSweeney's. His podcast, Lifescrapers: Tall Stories of American Lives, can be found on iTunes and BreakThru Radio. He also wrote a novel called Danny Disaster, available on your Kindle or Nook. Follow him on Twitter: @TheMatthewCohen.