Dear Mr. Ice,
We appreciate your interest in our opening for a Strategic Marketing Manager. There were a few discrepancies in your application; we would appreciate your guidance in correcting them so we can proceed.
- Under ‘Preferred work hours:’ you wrote “flow like a harpoon daily and nightly.” We are unaware of what hours a ‘harpoon’ might keep. Please advise.
- Under ‘Additional Skills’ you wrote “turn off the lights, and I’ll glow.” We’re disconcerted by the word “glow.” We currently do not know the physiological condition that would result in an individual “glowing.” At the very least we would suggest that you speak to a medical personnel about this issue.
- We have received your arrest record and while “rocking a mic like a vandal” might sound like a crime, until you actual commit a crime, you do not need to report anything.
- LifeStream Media’s uniquely patented Intelligence Test© has been a great help in matching the right candidates to the right position. But please actually fill out the questions rather than scrawling across the top, “Yo – I’ll solve it!”
- Under ‘Describe your ideal co-worker’ you wrote ‘Any VIP in my life should always be up to kick it.’ We would like to remind you that while we do embrace a healthy work-life balance, we do expect a professional environment during work hours. Also this seems to contradict your earlier statement “the kid don’t play.”
- Please note that in regards to your “nine”, only our Texas branch allows fire-arms on property.
We look forward to your response. And my mother thanks you for the mention.
Human Resources Manager
Amy Rosenthal is both a comedy writer and a lawyer-in-training. There's more overlap than you’d think. Her work has appeared in McSweeney’s, Satire V, and on the door to her Mother’s refrigerator. She currently lives in New York and can be reached at email@example.com.