The Weather

The Snows of Kilimanjaro by Ernest Hemingway: Buzzfeed Edition

13 Ways You Know Gangrene Is About To Kill You

 

1. Instead of calling you ‘Bwana’, Molo has started referring to you as, “Hyena kibbles”

 Graphic: Loop gif of That’s So Raven ‘Oh Snap!’ moment

#love her!

 

2. You start to worry that your wife will bore you to death before the gangrene gets you

 Graphic: Still of Al Bundy looking at Peggy disdainfully with subtitle: ‘A woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife’.

#truth

 

3. “Shoot me now” isn’t just a whimsical expression.

Graphic: Loop gif of Elmer Fudd shooting Daffy Duck in the head and Daffy’s head exploding.

#NRA rules

 

4. Your regret-laden hallucinations are a series of “glamorous place-brags”, tragic tales of betrayed half-wits and whoring recollections.

 Graphic: Still of Kanye whispering into Kim’s ear while watching a Lakers game at the Staples center.

#kimye #couple swag

 

5. The heat shimmer of the plain to the edge of the bush is making everything look delicious.

Graphic: Googly-eyed cartoon oyster with ‘Eat me!’ caption

#eating makes me lose that empty feeling

 

6. Even verbally abusing your wife has started to bore you.

 Graphic: Vintage ad of 1950s husband spanking his wife for serving bad coffee

#when men were men

 

7. The vultures aren’t literary critics. They’re actually vultures!

 Graphic: Loop gif of Leonardo DiCaprio politely applauding when losing the Oscar to Matthew Mcconaughey

#not just a rom-com himbo

 

8. Your rich bitch wife has just shot a Tommy ram and can’t stop bragging about it.

Graphic: Loop gif of Sarah Palin’s ‘puts her hands in the air’ SNL dance

#rappers delight

 

9. Death has come and rested its head on the foot of the cot and you can smell its breath.

 Graphic: Loop gif of Homer Simpson sleeping in bed dressed in briefs with drool dripping from his mouth

#the end is near

 

10. You have a whiskey soda in your hand but you keep asking for another whiskey soda

Graphic: Random instagram still of ripped shirtless guys holding plastic cups of beer on the beach

#pi kappa alpha #daytona beach

 

11. Dying is boring you.

Graphic: Sponge Bob sitting at a school desk with the thought bubble: ‘I’m bored’

#story of my life

 

12. Your hallucinatory rescuer has just called you “old cock”

Graphic: Still of Prince Harry “What happens in Vegas” meme

#coolest uncle to royal baby

 

13. You understand that actual prose writing, and not your wife’s money or OMGclicks, was what gave your life meaning. And now it’s too late.

 Graphic: Loop gif of Snooki crying on Dancing with the Stars

#total despair

 

Devorah Blachor writes a comic mystery series under the pen name Jasmine Schwartz. Her novels include Farbissen and Fakakt Follow her on Facebook and Twitter .