The Weather

The Make-A-Wish Foundation turned down your child’s wish? That’s where we come in.

A child with a life-threatening medical condition deserves to have their greatest desire granted to them, no matter how imaginative or illegal that may be. Our organization steps in when the more notable Make-A-Wish foundation determines that one child’s wish is more important, or less destructive, than another’s. We pick up that sad child’s dream from the dirty curb outside the Make-A-Wish-As-Long-As-We-Like-The-Wish Foundation’s judgmental fortress and we make it a reality.

Who are we exactly? Well, our group has no name, because that’s what the first child we helped wished for. All you need to know is that we’re modern day genies and our lamps can only be rubbed by the hands of sick children. Money is no object. Our benefactors are wealthy millionaires, hoping to right the wrongs they made on their paths to success by allowing kids to achieve their ultimate goals, even if those goals involve stealing the Liberty Bell or hastening climate change.

Sure, our competitor will allow a child to pretend to be a boring, standard police officer for a day and write a few tickets that will never hold up in court, but what if the kid wants to be a crooked cop like his or her role models from movies? We can do that. Planting evidence, lying under oath, and “forgetting” certain unalienable rights are just a few of the things we allow boys and girls to live out in their fantasy. The pure look of joy on a child’s face when the interrogation room’s camera is turned off is worth all of the hard work needed to arrange such a wish.

Of course, some children just want to use their little time left on the planet to impact the world in a meaningful way. Make-A-Wish will gladly help a child create a holiday in their town that celebrates friendship and compassion, but they won’t even lift a finger if a child wants to depose a maniacal dictator in central Africa. Well, we answered little Bobby’s prayer, and I’m happy to say the post-coup shadow government that small boy now oversees is working wonders for the people and Bobby’s well-being.

Meeting a famous person is often a go-to for a child’s wish, but we can help when an infamous person is desired. I’m sure playing a round of tennis with Pete Sampras is enjoyable, but playing a round of tennis with Kim Jong-un is something a little boy or girl will never forget. A number of countries would like to put Julian Assange behind bars, but we want to put him on a fishing boat with your boy who is crazy about information transparency.

It’s hard to remember these children are sick when you experience their joy and wonderful attitudes towards life. Yet that fact remains. That’s why some kids wish to organize a donation drive to support research for a cure for their disease. Since the Make-A-Wish Foundation is more than willing to arrange something like that to boost their public relations image, we don’t handle those cases. However, if a child wants to raise funds to donate towards genetically engineering a super-disease completely resistant of all known vaccines, then we’re on board. Several brilliant mad scientists (their words not ours) donate hundreds of hours each year to entertaining the whims of children who wish to have others feel the way they do. All children should be allowed to play God, not just the fortunately healthy ones.

Dealing with potentially losing a child is difficult enough without having to look them in the eye and tell them that their wish to repeal an amendment to the US Constitution was denied by those self-righteous fascists who cackle each time a youthful tear splashes on a sullen cheek. We’ll grant any wish your child can imagine, regardless of its absurdity, because every child deserves to have their day in the Sun or try to harness the Sun’s energy to create a death laser.

Oh, and if you child wants to wish that our group can once again have a name, we’d really appreciate that because right now it’s really confusing.

Keaton Patti is a writer and comedian living in New York City. You may remember him from the previous sentence.