Thank you for your recent purchase. We here at government.com are confident you will enjoy your genuine, 100% Assembled in the U.S.A* politician. Our fine product will provide you and your loved ones with access to key decisions in the policymaking process, such as whether to bar veterans from the World War II memorial, vote 50 times to repeal health care legislation or spend $823,000 in Las Vegas. In addition, you may have influence over important legislative initiatives including S.Res. 390 regarding “World Plumbing Day” or H.Res. 485 supporting “National One Love Day.”
Before setting up your politician, be aware that certain external forces such as special interests and campaign donations may impact the functioning of your product. For best results, keep your politician away from lobbyists, strippers, junkets and recreational drugs.
Quick Set-Up Guide
Your politician comes with everything you need to get up and running right away! Follow this quick guide to get started:
Step One: Unpack the box. Once opened, destroy the packaging or your politician may encourage you and your family to “think outside the box” on a daily or perhaps even hourly basis. This becomes annoying.
Step Two: Plug in the power cord. This will allow you to access the interface protocols. !!Note: DO NOT press the power button at this point. You must follow steps Three and Four to install the appropriate safety protocols. You will be unable to turn off your politician once it has been activated!!
Step Three: Enable the Primary Interface Protocol. Your politician comes with an interface protocol called “voting” that will sometimes allow you to direct its actions. Please use this interface protocol before attempting the other strategies outlined in this booklet. Should you choose not to use this protocol you should expect some loss of functionality.
Step Four: Enable the Secondary Interface Protocol. Should your politician not respond to the voting protocol, you may wish to throw money at it until it starts to pay attention. This is particularly useful for politicians from Illinois.
Step Five: Press the power button.
Step Six: Display Settings. Your politician is set to display interest in you and your issues through the universal “grip and grin” handshake. You may change this setting in the control panel. Options include: a concerned, caring or thoughtful look; a hearty guffaw; or a head tilt with pursing of the lips.
What to Expect
Your politician may occasionally spew forth words that sound like gibberish. This is normal.
The activity light on your politician may appear dark for days or weeks at a time. This is normal.
On rare occasions, your politician may attempt to agree with other politicians. This is not normal but should be encouraged.
Occasionally, your politician may misbehave or become unresponsive. If this occurs, attempt a reboot by holding down the power button for at least 18 months. Your politician will eventually restart in safety mode. At this point, try reasoning with it. We recognize this does not often work and we welcome your recommendations on a fix for this bug.
If the steps above do not solve your problem, please call our customer service line. We are available during the convenient hours of 3am – 6am, Monday and Tuesday. If we are not available to take your call, please leave a message and we will respond as soon as we return from our smoke-filled room.
Your politician comes with a perma-grin, perfect hair, and a navy blue suit. You may wish to consider additional props, such as a baby to be kissed or a garish lawn sign. To increase your politician’s productivity, consider purchasing our staff package. This package comes complete with several twenty-something recent college graduates holding a panoply of liberal arts degrees.
Recognizing that many of our customers would prefer a broader range of color and gender options, we are working to incorporate different types of politicians into our manufacturing process. Join our mailing list for updates on our progress. For now, we can provide you with only top-of-the-line middle-aged Caucasian politicians.
Government.com guarantees your purchase for one two-year Congressional cycle or until another customer purchases your politician without your knowledge or consent.
Thank you again for your purchase. Enjoy your politician!
* Although your product is manufactured in the U.S., some parts may be from China.
Stephanie Vance lives and works in a secret undisclosed location in Washington, D.C. She'd tell you where but then she'd have to kill you. Her work focuses on helping citizens be heard by their government. It's going really well.