The Weather

Sweatpants Wedding: On Business, Titling, and the Whammy Factor

Dear Adam {Hoyt of Corona del Mar, California},

I’m writing to you in my official capacity as Musical Theater Correspondent for Trop, regarding future hit musical Sweatpants Wedding.

[Well, Jake, it is, as it has ever been, a pleasure to hear from you. Sweatpants Wedding…  Sweatpants Wedding indeed.]

{Regular text by Jake; text in brackets by Adam; text in braces by Tom/me. Jake asked me to insert myself here because Adam’s reply to this letter was cryptic and did not supply the WHAMMY FACTOR demanded by all content in The Weather. Since Adam’s reply didn’t succeed in this regard, Jake tapped me to flesh things out. It’s easy for me to do this because Adam was my college roommate and I used to crawl in bed with him every morning FARTS FARTS FARTS WHAMMY FACTORx100!!!}

 As you might have read on our website, there is already a controversy over Sweatpants Wedding’s authorship. SWidea haver” Tom Dibblee {I prefer “creator”} and SWwriter” Stephan McCormick are antler-locked like young yaks in a struggle for creative control over the unfinished play.

{Stephan can have control of whatever work goes into the play so long as he acknowledges that it’s mine and so long as I retain control over what financial gains are to be derived from the play; my concern here is money.}

[I admire the way you, Jake, have managed to float above the fray while moderating discussion of this seemingly eternally future hit musical.]

After overhearing a conversation on 28 December, 2013, I have reason to believe, Adam, that your greedy little yak-antlers will soon join Tom and Stephan’s.

I say “greedy” because Tom tells me that you studied business and that you are now some kind of hungry, lurking, shark-like entrepreneur. I say “little” because you are shorter than I am and possibly even shorter than Tom. And I believe a conflict is coming because I know you a little bit, Adam. In the early 2000s, you were the guy with the Winamp playlist and the long-term girlfriend. I was the guy with the fake Australian accent. And, when Tom told me, in the pre-interview that prepared me to write this email, that you are “an eccentric with a worldview the logic of which I’ve never been able to make sense of,” I took that to mean that you and Tom have butted heads before.

{Adam is a mystery to me. But we’ve never been enemies. Also for the record, Adam’s shark-like forays into business have been: a Hawaiian shirt company for babies and a physical fitness web portal for grown men.}

[Yeah I mean I think of myself as peaceful, but for the sake of “drama” you can describe me as shark-like, and Tom can describe me as eccentric… whatever works for you guys. I have a dog and a flat of “Fraps” from Costco back at the house. I’ll be fine either way.]

On the night in question, at a “networking event” at Tom’s house, I heard you, Adam, tell Tom that you were the first person to put the words “sweatpants” and “wedding” together just so. Apparently, sometime late in the Spring of 2004, you and Tom were hosting a Jane Fonda-themed goldschlager party, and one of your looser, more informal college classmates lurched atop a teetering endtable, blew his coach’s whistle to silence the room, and asked everyone if they wished he were wearing tighty whities and/or a jockstrap instead of just boxers, given that he was wearing sweatpants and his bulge was showing. A freshwoman dressed as Richard Simmons observed that wearing sweatpants to a wedding would be a problem if you had an extreme crush on anyone there, because then everyone would see you get a boner. And you, Adam, from your quiet corner seat at your playlist, responded: “At a sweatpants wedding, anything goes.”

{I don’t remember any of this but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. I tend to think that I came up with almost every funny thing that happened in college, but that might be my own personal bias.}

As the original coiner of the phrase and thus the “titler” of future hit musical Sweatpants Wedding, do you consider yourself one of its “owners” or “authors”?

[I would consider myself neither and both. The reason SW is such a future hit is that it provides direct access to something in the collective unconscious. Audiences will be unable to self-report the origin or nature of their feelings. All this can be said with confidence regardless of the quality/quantity of songs, dialogue, and stagecraft.]

{I don’t think Adam quite realizes just how good the songs are. They’re our true WHAMMY FACTOR. That I’ll give to Stephan any day. Can we paste one in right here for kicks? So people can listen? Yes? Great. How about both?!}

Do you feel that Tom and Stephan have been good stewards of your title?

[In a way. I take some pride in their acrimony.]

Through two scenes, do you feel an adequate personal connection to the groom? Does his narcissism distract you from his courage and open-mindedness? Does he need another song?

[Great question. It has been trying for me to see the groom narrowed down to actual “qualities” and “character aspects.” I don’t know if more songs would help though.]

 If you were to be re-instated as one of the “creators” of Sweatpants Wedding, in what capacity would you like to work?

[I’m pretty comfortable serving in no ongoing capacity. Two women cannot have a baby in four and a half months.]

{I’m just going to be blunt and say that if Adam wants to get involved, what SW needs right now is not ideas but money. Two women can cut a check in four and a half minutes. Hold on I missed a WHAMMY moment: Two women can cut the cheese every four minutes. Adam’s known that for as long as I’ve known him, at least.}

Tom says you are “an extremely unforthcoming emailer,” Adam, so I realize that you probably haven’t yet even considered answering the questions above, but, before you make your final decision on that, please note that if you respond before noon on Tuesday, you will quite likely see your own words (probably only slightly altered) on the pages of Trop, which I can tell you from experience is an honor and a pleasure.

[Yes, it will be a pleasure. I’ve sold a lot of Hawaiian shirts to babies and fitness programs to men, but appearing here on these pages is definitely the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I am so lucky. I never knew my college roommate would go on to edit this. This is like how my friend’s dad always talks about knowing Tommy Lee Jones back at Harvard.]

{I couldn’t agree more.}

 All the best,

 Jake

[In conclusion, could I get some sort of primer on where Patrick Benjamin fits into all of this?]

{Jake is going to drive to La Cañada next week to interview Patrick at his grandma’s house. Patrick hates Sweatpants Wedding, so in the meta mode in which we’re working here, he’s the play’s antagonist, and he’s sure to rouse lots of drama.}

Jake de Grazia is Trop's Musical Theater Correspondent.