Andrew, why don’t you come into the den and take a seat. How’s it going, buddy? I know it’s been tough for you lately, with your mother and I getting divorced and all. There have been a lot of changes, and there are going to be a lot more, but I just want you to know that we’re not getting divorced because of you, or anything you did. We’re getting divorced because of your sister Kara.
She’s the worst.
Just because mommy and daddy are getting divorced doesn’t mean we’re going to love you any less. You will always be our special little boy. We will, however, love your sister Kara less. Because she destroyed our marriage by being insufferable. And we will never forgive her for that.
But listen, just because your mom and I won’t be living under the same roof doesn’t mean you and I won’t see each other anymore. You’re going to be spending every other weekend with me. Sure, my new apartment is a little smaller than our house, but trust me, there’s plenty of room for both of us… just not for your sister Kara. She will have to sleep outside or something because she’s no longer welcome in my home.
Remember that time last year when your mom and I were having a discussion about whether or not we could afford to send you to summer camp, and Kara interrupted and told us if we didn’t pay for her riding lessons she would scream?
That’s the kind of shit I’m talking about.
You were probably too young at the time to remember this, but when Kara was eight she refused to take baths. She would just walk around the house smelling like a dead animal, and when I would insist she take a bath her mother would tell me she was just going through a phase. And then next thing you know we were yelling at each other in the garage, while Kara roamed free in the air-conditioned house innocently playing with her toy horses as though she wasn’t acutely aware of the damage she was causing to the fabric of your mom and I’s marriage.
And then there was last Christmas. Kara wanted a playhouse for her dolls, and I decided to build one for her. I thought going the extra mile would sort of act as a peace offering, possibly put a halt to her reign of terror. It took me weeks of planning and building—I stayed up the entire night before Christmas putting on the final touches. And then what happens when she comes downstairs in the morning and sees it? She says it’s not “pink enough” and starts crying. Later that day I caught her trying to light it on fire with an Advent candle.
I don’t need to go on. I think you get the point. What I’m trying to tell you is that your sister Kara is the reason mommy and daddy don’t love each other anymore.
I kind of wish I could get a divorce from your sister, you know what I mean? Unfortunately, my lawyer has informed me that there is no legal precedent for divorcing your own child, so I’m tabling that option for the time being.
Anyway, that’s what I wanted to tell you. I love you, Andrew, and I hate Kara. And just so you know, if you choose to continue associating with her, that’s your decision to make, but I will remind you that Christmas is just around the corner, and I can’t imagine Santa will look favorably upon little boys who are affiliated with home wreckers.
Matt Ingebretson is a writer and comedian in LA. He has written for McSweeney's, The Soup, Funny or Die, and the Onion.