The Weather

Show Him What He Lost by Losing

Breakups can be rough. Although no one here at Lip Service Magazine has ever been dumped, we’ve witnessed the pain it causes others in countless films and T.V. shows. Handle a breakup however works for you, but there are a few Lip Tips you should probably follow to get him back 😀 or GET HIM BACK 👿

Maneater. Take the high protein diet a step further by making it a 100% raw protein diet. This basic, raw-meat-only plan will shock your body into hyperketonemia while giving you some much needed stomach parasites along the way. The results? Dramatic weight loss that brings out your inner cave babe! Raw-rrr!

Digital Darling. There’s a sweet, new app called iFork. Plug the e-fork adapter into your phone and every time you take a bite it sends your ex one of two things: a randomly generated desperate text or an unflattering picture of your vajay. Put the fork down or pay the price, heifer.

Fabulous Accessory. The best way to send the message that you’re over him is by being seen on the arms of men all over town looking thin and fab. Take a couple of weeks off from work to mend your broken heart and juice-fast away that blubbery body. Your new job is dedicated to getting in shape and attaching yourself to every man you come in contact with. Walk a block hand in hand with the postman while he makes his rounds. Snuggle your grocer from behind while he’s doing cleanup on aisle 3. See a guy walking a dog? Let him walk you!

Sweet Revenge. Eat nothing but lollipops or suckers. This will stave off those pesky hunger pangs while you’re avoiding solid food, and most importantly, you’ll look oh so seductive slurping on your lunch near his place of work. Who’s the sucker now?

Squat, Twat, and Roll. Strip aerobics is scientifically the best way to get into shape. Once you really know how to work the pole, why not take it a step further? Drop out of school and make it your profession. Then you’ll be lucky enough to get your workouts in during work hours. (Think of all of that extra You Time!) Don’t make the common mistake of changing your name or hiding your stripper identity. Instead, invite some of his friends to the club and give them all free lap dances so they can see your hot bod up close. And when he sees the iPhone footage he’ll know you’re in the best shape of your life.

Bleach for the Stars! Although these Lip Tips focus predominantly on weight loss, we continue to stress that one of the best ways to remind him of your worth is with a good skin bleaching regimen. Bleach your skin! It makes you look classier.

Jizz Whiz. To gain popularity and battle the bulge, we recommend going on a strict sperm diet. For 8 days consume nothing but cum. You’d be surprised how fast you’ll go down (and on whom) when you’re starving for a jet of jizz. In no time, he’ll hear that you’re the new popular girl in town. And 20 pounds thinner! *Bonus*: Now that you know how to give a good Slurpee, you’ll no longer have to associate with gay guys just for the blowjob tips.

Geisha on the Go-Go. Foot binding is commonly thought of as being an oppressive, barbaric practice of the past. But this is 2014, ladies; take control of your gorg gams! For a pair of killer calves and a tight tush, bind your feet for a minimum of 3 hours daily while performing your regular exercise routine. He’ll want to know what other ancient Chinese secrets you were holding out on during the relationship you ruined 😉

Rhesus Pieces. Adopt a handful of Rhesus monkeys from the Animal Liberation Front and give them free range of your apartment. Be sure to place yourself at the bottom of the hierarchy by letting each one pee on you or, in some cases, get frisky with you (but only if he’s cute 😉 ). That way, your only opportunity to eat will be after the alpha males do, and you’ll get some cardio in by fighting off the other females for scraps. Most importantly, your new slimmed down physique and all the attention from those dry-humping primates will make you feel wanted.

Sleeping Beauty. Getting to bed just 30 minutes earlier and waking up 30 minutes later than you normally do can help you make better food choices, researchers report. Imagine how well you could do if you spent 1,440 minutes a day sleeping! Find a doctor you can trust to write you a yearlong prescription for Lunesta in advance. With no opportunities to eat out of boredom or hunger, the rest of your weight loss journey will be a dream! When you wake up rejuvenated and bikini ready, your Prince Charming will be standing over you, drawn by rumors that you died two weeks ago eaten alive by your Rhesus monkeys.

Displaced Diva. So you’re still fat and everything in your place still reminds you of him. Fret not, feministas: Lip Service has you covered! When all else fails, it’s time to shift your weight loss routine into high gear. Rid yourself of all belongings and live a life on the streets. When you spend your days panhandling, and your next meal depends on the generosity of mankind, you’re sure to get skinny fast. When he hears that the breakup utterly destroyed your existence and you’re living under a bridge, he’ll feel so guilty he’ll have no choice but to take you back. Or at least throw a twenty in the empty 7-11 cup you scrounged from the trash. Either way, dinner’s on him 😉 Win-win!

Trim the Fat. (EXPERTS ONLY) When desperate times call for desperate measures, trim off vestigial fat any way you can. We recommend a razor 😉 Start by shaving off pubic hair (which you should have been doing anyway because gross) then move onto the tonsils, appendix, and earlobes. Still not enough? Snip out your lady peen because it wasn’t doing him any good anyway.

The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of author, designer, media mogul Samantha Miranda. After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Lifestyle Bible, Lip Service Magazine.