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Raw Recap: 3/31/14

  • Last night’s Raw was the last on the “Road to Wrestlemania,” it was full of people punching each other and talking about how much they want to punch each other at Wrestlemania later this week.
  • Jerry Lawler told children at the show that this would be the greatest night of their lives.
  • WWE’s twitter account used the hashtag #backstagegram for backstage photos on Instagram several times. #socialmedia.
  • The Undertaker threatened to push Brock Lesnar “into the deep end” at Wrestlemania.
  • Brock Lesnar’s manager Paul Heyman said Brock Lesnar will beat the Undertaker. This seemed biased.
  • Alberto Del Rio pinned Big E after kicking him in the head.
  • Summer Rae pinned Natalya, also after kicking her in the head. It was super effective.
  • Stephanie McMahon stated that Triple H’s Wrestlemania opponent Daniel Bryan would not be there tonight.
  • Batista interrupted Stephanie. He was wearing skinny jeans and sunglasses.
  • Randy Orton interrupted Batista. He was carrying his two championship belts.
  • Batista, Randy Orton and Triple H agreed that they do not like each other.
  • The WWE “Slice of Action,” brought to you by Domino’s Pizza, mostly featured people talking.
  • El Torito, the small bull that hangs out with Los Matadores, celebrated a Los Matadores victory by gyrating his hips at the other wrestlers.
  • WWE advertised their new toy, where you use plastic blocks to build WWE related objects.
  • Bray Wyatt defeated R-Truth. John Cena snuck up behind him wearing a jumpsuit and a sheep’s mask after the match.
  • Naomi hit AJ with her butt and won a match. It worked just like a kick.
  • Upcoming WWE Hall of Fame inductee Mr. T tweeted: “I’m watching Monday Night Raw and I’m enjoying the show. I like wrestling!”
  • In a backstage interview, John Cena threatened to cram his foot inside the anus of Bray Wyatt at Wrestlemania.
  • Rowdy Roddy Piper attempted to announce who he thinks will win the thirty man “Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royale” at Wrestlemania.
  • The Miz interrupted Piper’s prediction.
  • Sheamus interrupted The Miz’s interruption of Piper’s prediction
  • Titus O’ Neil interrupted Sheamus’ interruption of The Miz’s interruption of Piper’s prediction
  • Dolph Ziggler interrupted Titus O’Neil’s interruption of Sheamus’ interruption of The Miz’s interruption of Piper’s prediction
  • The interruptions devolved into wrestling.
  • Afterwards, everyone still yearned to punch everyone else.

Brian Pickett is a writer living in Boston. He hopes you enjoy jokes, because he likes to make them. You can follow him on Twitter @BrianPickett.