The Weather

My Life Coach, Terry, Got Me a Personal Planner

My life coach Terry got me a personal planner. It is black, imitation leather and has a robust cover. With my personal planner, I can schedule dental appointments, job interviews, or a driver’s exam. And with my attractive personal planner I will get noticed.


My life coach Terry got me an executive pen for my personal planner. With this modern tool, I can attend junkets and networking events. I can meet important persons and copy down their names, phone numbers, and children’s birthdays. I’ll wear pleated khakis, silk button downs, or corvette monogrammed polos that scream, I’m organized! I’m highly employable! And notable firms will recruit me.


With my executive pen and personal planner, I can dedicate several hours to a single task. Or, I can block off entire days. I can watch daytime television, take naps, and spend time on the internet. And with my jam-packed schedule, I can say no to my mother and her constant demands. I’m Jam-packed, I’ll tell her. I’ll unlock the Velcro closure of my personal planner and show her handwritten proof of my activities. And my mother will respect my boundaries.


I’ll know all the major holidays. Juneteenth. Boss’ Day. Clergy Appreciation Day. I’ll know global observances and celebrate them. Because I will be using technology to organize my time, people will give me advance notice about special events and private parties. With my executive pen and personal planner, I’ll show up hours in advance and enjoy first dibs on fruited drinks and flavorful cheese dips. I’ll prepare comments for small talk and engage loosely with outgoing party goers. I’ll tell them about my time management techniques, how I’ve retrained my brain and removed every non-essential from my life. I’ll open my personal planner and show them long to-do lists, a map of North American time zones, and a helpful chart of the lunar cycle. When the time is right I’ll share the inspirational quotation for the day. With my personal planner I’ll have an inspirational quotation for every day. My peers will acknowledge me. And I’ll develop a vibrant social life.


I’ll be the subject of conversation. People will ask what I did over the weekend and I’ll pull out my executive pen and personal planner and tell them. I went to a birthday party. I worked on my miniature railroad. I made bagel pizzas, masturbated, then watched four action movies. No one will doubt me. With my executive pen and personal planner, I’ll win respect. I’ll be well-known in my community. I’ll have clarity about my future and take control of my life.


My life Coach Terry got me an executive pen and personal planner. He wrote an inscription on the first page. Dream big Dennis!

David Blake Fischer lives in Los Angeles. His work has appeared in McSweeney's and numerous other publications. Follow him on Twitter: @dvdblakefischer.