Hey, you wearing the Kavu visor! Put down that Red Bull and vodka and listen up! Are you a young adult male, aged 21–29, but positive you are wise beyond your years? Does your trust fund help finance all those HD Pay-Per-View UFC tournaments you order when high? On Friday nights, do you loosen your necktie, roll up your sleeves, and maybe even cock your visor to one side? Ha! I did say “cock!” High five! Brojangles, do I have a drink for you!
Mountain Dewer’s! It’s classy refinement TO THE EXTREME! It’s got that scotch label you insist you really love, paired with the corn syrupy Mountain Dew flavor you just can’t get enough of! Mountain Dewer’s is for the man who says, “Did you see Ann Coulter’s rack last night on Hannity?” Mountain Dewer’s is for the man who thinks Bill Clinton is a cool dude, not for overseeing one of the nation’s only economic surpluses in history, but because he got a blowie from an Oval Office secretary. Mountain Dewer’s is for the man who learned Iraq’s placement on a world map while playing Call of Duty and trash-talking anonymous fourteen-year-olds on Xbox Live.
Not convinced yet? Well, how about you try some Mountain Dewer’s for free! I’m talking about the badass kind of “free,” of course, not the Healthcare.gov kind of “free.” Ha ha! Can I get another high five for that?! BOOYAH! In all seriousness, bro, just find one of our many Mountain Dewerettes walking through the bar tonight and sexually harass them until they give you a drink. Seriously, sexually harass them. It’s a stipulation in their contracts.
Oh, you’re in a rush to talk to that clearly over-intoxicated hottie over there? No worries! I have a free sample of Mountain Dewer’s right here for you.
That look on your face is understandable, please don’t be alarmed. Here, let me show you how to drink it. Mountain Dewer’s is not only on the cutting goddamn edge of refinement, but drinkability, as well! We’ve partnered with Axe Body Spray to optimize the drinking impact of Mountain Dewer’s by bottling it in an aerosol can. Simply pop the top, push the spray tab, and hold on to your nads!
Man, you scream like a little girl, dude! Ha! Just giving you a hard time, buddy. But yeah, we’re still working on cutting down Mountain Dewer’s excessive spray range. Just use one of our EXTREME Extremity Wash Kits to rinse your eyes. Do it quickly, though. Mountain Dewer’s really shouldn’t be given a chance to work its way into your tear ducts and merge with your cellular makeup. Have you ever seen John Carpenter’s The Thing? No? Good.
At the Mountain Dewer’s Marketing and Crisis Containment Headquarters, we like to think that the burning sensation you are experiencing is simply your body getting used to the EXTREME REFINEMENT. And the hydrofluorocarbons. It’ll subside as you get more wasted. Can I get one more high five?! Here, how about you just let me guide your hand to mine. Radical!
Andrew Paul's collection of short fiction, "The River Thief" was a 2012 recipient of the Portz National Honors Award. His work has recently appeared or is forthcoming online in Oxford American, Lent Magazine, Jewcy, and The Bitter Southerner. He lives in Mississippi.