The Weather

Lesbian Sex Positions, Demystified

What do two women really do in the bedroom? At what point do you sensually clasp hands? Is blue the warmest color, or just a bad dye job? I don’t have all the answers, but I can give you some insider info on what goes down in the boudoir. Here are the secrets of some of our most obscure sex positionsso you don’t have to ask.

 

Paperclipping

Both partners lay in a straight line and then bend together, kind of scrunching up their knees and holding their elbows close to their chests. If you have a vagina, you’ll feel something. If you have a penis, you’ll become numb from the waist down.

 

The Theory of Relativity

One partner sits in the middle of the bed, while the other revolves around the bed, observing her. Things dilate.

 

Eating Oysters

When eating oysters togetheror really, any vagina-shaped foodslesbians often have what’s called a “Metaphor Orgasm.” For example, think about eating papaya. Now cantaloupe. Now avocados. We could be doing it right now.

 

Gertrude and Alice’s Left Bank Maneuver

One of you becomes the “host” and the other becomes the “cook.” When “guests” arrive, you eat pot brownies and discuss art. Note: Gay men perform a version of this position called “Oscar Wilde’s Open Salon.” It’s basically the same thing, but completely different.

 

The Napkin Fold

Have you ever worked in a fancy restaurant where you learned how to fold cloth napkins into little cranes? If so, you and your hands have (unknowingly) replicated a super-advanced lesbian sex position. Be warned, most people attempting this maneuver often accidentally perform “The Mousetrap,” which is just a few finger movements’ difference, but should really only be used for the purpose of shadow puppets or interpretive dance and never in the vicinity of a real vagina.

 

The Seventh Hand

A position that should only be attempted after mastering the third, fourth, fifth, and sixth hands.

 

The Ice Sculpture

This move works with the negative space around your partner’s body to reveal an orgasm; it’s also called “Ghost Petting” or “Sappho’s Reiki.”

 

Basic Squat Thrusts

Who knew? A simple series of knee bends is one of our most intimate ways of coupling. So next time you finish a set at the gym, you can turn to the guy on the arm machine next to you and whisper, “I just had lesbian sex!”

Kendra Eash lives in Brooklyn with her girlfriend and a loud rug. Her work has appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Hairpin, The Rumpus, and The Toast. She tweets sometimes @jeriblank.