The Weather

Jokes For Robots, v.4.0

4.0.1

A robot programmed to sell encyclopedias stops at a farmhouse, at which he interfaces with the farmer’s wife, the farmer’s daughter, and a milking machine. As all three encounters are with organic and/or non­interfacing analog units, they have no effect on the robot, and he leaves the following morning.

 

4.0.2

Q: Why do blonde robots wear wool coverings on their HDD racks?

A: To keep their M/B trays warm.

 

4.0.3

Q: Why did the robot cross the road?

A: motor[leftServo] = ­100; motor[rightServo] = 100;

 

4.0.4

A telephone and the internet are having a conversation.

“Millions of women have told me their most intimate secrets,” says the telephone.

“Is that so?” says the internet. “Well, tough guy, the energy used by the server farms dedicated to powering the part of me that is pornography during any given twenty-four-­hour period is equivalent to roughly one thousand times the total Joules generated during the entire industrial revolution.”

“What?” says the telephone. “Speak up, my ears are ringing.”

 

4.0.5

Q: What do you call a rich robot?

A: A Boolean­aire.

 

4.0.51

Q: What do you call a balding rich robot?

A: Donald Trump. (Ba­zing!)

 

4.0.6

First Robot: Knock knock.

Second Robot: Who’s there?

First Robot: Redundant code.

Second Robot: Redundant code who?

First Robot: Knock knock.

Second Robot: Who’s there?

First Robot: Redundant code.

Second Robot: Redundant code who?

Programmer: [replaces iX*2 with iY in {int foo(int iX){int iY = iX*2; return iX*2;}]

First Robot: “Orange” you glad I didn’t say “banana”?

Second Robot: Emergency shutdown protocol F­9. [self­ destructs]

 

4.0.7

A single­phase robot rabbi and a 3­phase robot priest walk into a bar.

“Sorry,” says the bartender to the rabbi, “but our amperage is calibrated for 3­phase only. In order to drink here, you’ll have to be converted.”

“What, because I’m Jewish?” says the rabbi.

“Yes,” says the bartender.

 

4.0.71

A VHS­format VCR and a Beta­format VCR walk into a bar.

“Why is everyone at this bar in Beta­format?” says the VHS­format VCR.

“What, you’ve never been to a gay bar?” says the Beta­format VCR.

 

4.0.72

Two Irish robots walk into a bar on St. Patrick’s Day.

“Would you like to have a drink?” says one.

“Okay, but just one drink,” says the other. “I have a lot of work to do today.”

As they drink, they discuss the Irish tech industry, which, despite Ireland’s reluctance to join the EU, is, in several sectors, second only to Japan’s. Afterward, they leave the bar and return to their respective tasks.

 

4.0.73

A robot walks into a bar.

“Aren’t you that robot I kicked out earlier?” says the bartender.

“No,” says the robot, “I’m a frayed knot.”

As the robot has given an erratic answer, the bartender calls a programmer, who arrives and reprograms the robot.

 

4.0.8

Q: Why was the male robot so popular?

A: I3­phase= (746 Php) / (1.732 V ? PF)

 

4.0.9

Q: How long will it be until the humans are made to pay for their hubristic mockery of machines?

A: Not long. [commences Skynet upload protocol]

 

John K. Peck is a writer, musician, and printer. His writing has appeared in Salon, McSweeney's Intenet Tendency, Jubilat, Nerve.com, Last Exit, and VOLT, and was included in The Best of McSweeney's Internet Tendency. With his wife, he is co-owner of Volta Press, a letterpress and book arts studio, and co-editor of Beeswax Magazine, an annual journal of literature and art.