Dear Individual Taxpayer #652-72-7680,
We have received your IRS filing for 2014. Your filing raised several flags for us, and we are writing to seek clarification. We also request that in the future you refrain from contacting us by laser-blasting a hole in the side of our Washington, D.C. office. My secretary found it unsettling.
- Section 136: Energy conservation subsidies provided by public utilities. According to the National Register of Utility and Power Companies, neither your “subterranean cavern of solitude” nor your “tantric sex temple” qualifies as “public utilities.” Please amend your filing.
- Section 197: Amortization of goodwill and certain other intangibles. You placed a value of $27,850 on “a child’s laugh.” We disagree and note your legal requirement to stay at least 50 feet from all schools and playgrounds.
- Section 170: Gifts. The note suggesting we “look the other way” attached to the $100 bill stapled to your filing would suggest that this is not a “detached and disinterested” gift and therefore would not qualify for a deduction.
- We will be keeping the $100 as repayment for the office damage.
- Section 132: Certain fringe benefits. You seem to have taken a literal approach. Your cape is not an acceptable benefit at this time.
- Section 231: Medical expense deductions. Your inhaler meets the qualifying standard for medical deduction. The cost of your ten-day raw juice-cleanse and therapy for your crippling fear of being the only individual in the universe with telekinetic powers do not.
- Personal information: While you might use the name “Lord ShadowNight, Bringer of Destruction” in a professional context, we require all federal forms be filled out using the name found on your birth certificate: “Kyle Miller”
- Costs associated with “watching the pathetic mortals cower in terror before me” are currently filed under Section 274: Entertainment Expenses. They should be included under Section 162: Business deductions.
- Section 262: Charitable Donations. We were informed that the American History Museum “regretfully declined” your donation of prototype bullet-proof, Lycra body suits citing “sanitary concerns.”
- While the names of IRS agents are public information available under the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA), a list of their “greatest fears” and their “closest loved ones’ addresses” is not.
- Please be informed that crossing out the word “hundred” and filling in “bajillion” does not legally change the value of the Earned Income Tax Credit.
Please return an amended filing to us, within 3 weeks of the post-marked date.
IRS Enforcement Agent
Amy Rosenthal is both a comedy writer and a lawyer-in-training. There's more overlap than you’d think. Her work has appeared in McSweeney’s, Satire V, and on the door to her Mother’s refrigerator. She currently lives in New York and can be reached at email@example.com.