To all my donors, and anyone considering donating,
We’re just a couple hundred dollars short of my $50,000 goal, and then this Kickstarter campaign will be fully funded. Wow, I can’t believe how quickly it happened. $49,800 in one week? That is astounding. Like, truly unbelievable. Thank you all for donating your hard earned money and for believing in this project. It means a lot to me, but this has gone too far and it’s time to come clean with you guys—I started this Kickstarter campaign as a joke to make my friends laugh. It was just a dumb gag, and I do not have any sincere interest in following through with this project.
I REPEAT, I DO NOT WANT YOUR $50,000, AS I CAN NOT DELIVER ON MY PROMISE TO “OPEN A FART MUSEUM IN NEW YORK CITY.”
Take a minute to think about what you’ve donated to. A Fart Museum? Can you explain to me the logistics of that? Would that just be a bunch of farts in a jar, just on display? That’s basically a jar museum. I suppose you assumed I had a good idea of what I was doing with this project, since it’s my Kickstarter and all, but again, it’s NOT REAL.
I did not expect anyone to take this seriously. I just made the Kickstarter real quick and sent it to a few friends because I thought they would think it was funny. They all unanimously agreed it was indeed very funny but, boy oh boy, this whole thing is blowing up in my face. I guess my friends must have sent the Kickstarter page to a few of their friends (on account of it being very hilarious), and then they passed it along to their friends, and before you know it I’m stuck with a $50,000 promise that I can not keep.
I am only just now finding out that if the project is funded and I don’t deliver on my promise, I can be threatened with legal action. Meaning, if I make the full $50,000 I HAVE to open a Fart Museum. I really can’t run a museum right now. I have no curatorial experience and plus I’m working almost full-time at Pita Pit. I have no room in my schedule and no knowledge of how to operate a Fart Museum. Please, to everyone reading, do not donate any more money to the Fart Museum project. It is a no-go.
To the thousands of you who have already given money, I also can’t deliver on the “perks” I promised you for donating. Again, I can not honor any of the perks as promised on the Kickstarter page, noted below.
Pledge $1 or more
Novice Farter package
You get one of your farts in the fart museum
Pledge $30 or more
Experienced Farter package
You get one of your farts in the museum and you get to visit the museum for free any time you want even after we close
Pledge $100 or more
Advanced Farter package
You get one of your farts in the museum and you can come to the museum for free whenever AND you get to LIVE in the museum
Pledge $250 or more
Master Farter package
You get all the perks above, plus you get full control over which farts get put on display in the museum and you can ban anyone from the museum you want for NO REASON!!!
Pledge $500 or more
Legendary Farter package
You get all the perks above plus i’ll buy you a CAR
Pledge $1,000 or more
Fart God package
YOU GET ALL THE PERKS ABOVE PLUS I’LL OPEN A *NEW* FART MUSEUM THAT YOU GET TO FULLY OWN AND OPERATE. I’LL PAY FOR IT AND BUILD IT!
In my defense, it should have been clear that those were all bullshit and, If I WERE to open the fart museum (which I very well may have to) obviously I can’t let you live there and I can’t buy you a car and I certainly CAN’T BUILD YOU YOUR OWN FART MUSEUM!!!
Guys, $50,000 is NOT even enough to open a Fart Museum. That’s not even enough to have it built, and then on top of that I have to pay the staff, and buy all the farts.
I suppose this is my fault, and I kind of suspect that the reason you guys are donating is to see what I do when my back is against the wall. If you’re trying to teach me some sort of lesson about abusing Kickstarter by forcing me to actually open a fart museum, your message has been received and I AM SORRY.
I beg of you, please do not donate any more money or I will be forced to seriously open this museum or else risk being sued. It really does break my heart to know that maybe some of you were truly excited about this and I do not want to let you down by not opening the Fart Museum. This whole thing has been a big mistake.
Thank you, and sorry,
Lucas Gardner is a writer and comedian in New York City whose website is LucasGardnersThings.com.