The Weather

How To Spend My Book Advance*

Commission an elaborative portrait of myself in which garbage is spread across a football field in my likeness and photographed aerially from a balloon I’m riding in.

 

Laser hair removal package.

 

Custom suit jackets (for my lion puppet)—appropriate for fine dining and other formal occasions—plus a miniature replica of C.S. Lewis’s wardrobe in which to keep them.

 

Release self-titled debut LP under my rap name, “Beet Stain.”

 

Invest in R&D for juicer-hat.

 

Pay Beet Stain an exorbitant sum to write a song called “Kale Ale” and become the spokesperson for my newly prototyped invention, MentalMixup.

 

Settle punitive damages in class-action lawsuit against Head Juice Corp.

 

Brain transplant (for my lion puppet). Even though I’m holding his forehead at finger’s length, he keeps trying to land a punch. I think he has a brain tumor or something.

 

Brain transplant (for me)—ideally from someone with a viable idea for a book.

 

*I don’t have a book advance.

 

Sarah Kasbeer is a writer in New York City. Her work can be found in cyberspace, in real space, and pretty much any other kind of space. Follow her on twitter @sarahkasbeer.