The Weather

How to Relax

Be Proud of Your Accomplishments

You decided to relax. Killer job! I’m not sure what brought you here. Maybe your car started to make a weird rattle. Or maybe Facebook informed you some sanctimonious acquaintance got into Harvard. You have no interest in law, but now you’re fuming. Whatever the reason, welcome! You Googled “how to relax” and landed on my site. You can probably tell from my ponytail and yoga pose that I’ve got this relaxation shit on lock. You also might notice that my website serves as a storefront where you can buy my many relaxation products. Well, let me be the first to say there’s no pressure to buy anything. You’re here to relax and I’m here to help.

Breathe

Did you know it’s actually possible to inhale stress? Think about everything weighing you down: your finances, your aging body, your job, or god forbid, your unemployment. It makes it hard to breathe doesn’t it? You’ve been breathing all your life and yet right now your chest is tight and claustrophobic. Well, you’ve got two options. Your first option is to figure your shit out, which could take years. And what if you still fail? I’ve seen it happen—it could be you. Your second option is to buy my DVD of guided breathing exercises for only $19.99! Delivery guaranteed.

Tune out Technology

Part of the problem here is the stress that accompanies always being connected—always being on. If you turn off your smartphone and tablet and laptop and iPod, you find yourself with time and space to reconnect with someone you lost touch of. You. Now, to really tune out all that technology, you’ll need my Relaxation Audio Speaker and Aromatherapy Humidifier (RAS-AH), which I’m practically giving away at $129.99. You think you can relax without ocean sounds and aromas of sandalwood? That’s just crazy. Look at this picture of me in Lotus Pose. Don’t I look relaxed? Would I lie to you? No, I wouldn’t probably.

Make Personal Space

Can you imagine relaxing in a bamboo gazebo, shrouded in vibrant orange linen under perfectly placed low-watt bulbs? That sounds divine. You deserve that. Who can put a price on that kind of total relaxation? As it turns out, I can. It’s $1,200 and the lights and gazebo ship separately.

Find Inner Peace

Let me ask you something. Have you ever relaxed with a good book or loved one only to find yourself stressed again sometime in the next three months? Or have you ever been stuck at a red light when you’re already running late? If you answered Yes to any of these questions, it might mean you’re interest in relaxation belies a deeper, much more expensive-to-fill hole. To fill that hole will take time. Specifically, it’ll take three days. That’s right, my three-day relaxation seminar coincidentally has one remaining spot available for only $4,000 and plane fare.

Accept What You Cannot Change

Don’t question me on this. Your hesitation is yet another artifact of your stress and confusion. If you don’t take this seminar you might continue on your current, shameful path. You have a choice. Either you can continue to live in your prison or you can take control. You are an empowered person who can’t do this without me. So attend my seminar and leave eternally poised, forever in equilibrium. That may sound like a lot to promise, but I believe hope exists for everybody. I believe you can merge peace of mind and profits. And I believe in No Refunds.

Jason Hayes lives in Denver, where he intermittently writes from a continuously alley-facing apartment. His non-fiction has appeared in The Huffington Post and The Atlantic. His humor pieces have appeared in McSweeney's. He has never written humorous non-fiction.