The Weather

Friends, Romans, Cuntrymen!

April 3, 2014
Thomas Nathaniel Andersen
123 Main St.
San Pedro, CA 90056

Amazon Kindle Direct Publishing
Mr. Jeff Bezos
1516 2nd Ave.
Seattle, WA 98101

 

Dear Mr. Bezos,

I am writing in regards to my 10,000-page manuscript, definitively titled The Tall Tales of Tallish Tom and His Merry Band of Sexual Adventurers: Tongue Twisters to Titillate the Tongue, by me, Thomas Nathaniel Andersen.

The Tall Tales of Tallish Tom and His Merry Band of Sexual Adventurers: Tongue Twisters to Titillate the Tongue is an erotic epic spanning the course of my entire adult life as the leader of the countercultural “Sexualist” political party. All ten-thousand pages are of a tongue-twisting variety, meant to loosen the tongue and free the mind before foreplay. Thus, reading it aloud to one’s sexual partner is an act of fore-foreplay, if you will (and I suppose you do). Rather than bore you with the details, I henceforth include a short excerpt that will no doubt perk your interest and culminate in the work’s publication through your Kindle House of Direct Publication. Without further ado, Chapter 27, page 208, titled “Friends, Romans, Cuntrymen!”

 

Friends, Romans, cuntrymen! Rend me your rears! End me your tears replacing fears with the utmost sexual curiosity of the utmost intellectual ferocity!” Political office of the sordidest sort ignoring heretical orifices of the horridest sort in favor of good and decent men and women who only craved everlasting love and affection from God’s gift to the planet Earth: Tom and his apolitical brand of mirth. “Fellow, felaters! Elaters of men, baters of pent up semen!” Tom addressed the crowd, already undressed and loud, allowed to express aloud want for Tom and his proud group of sexual adventurers. “We are gathered here today to pay due to our physical virtues true, previously given no due but to do numbers 1 and 2, that is to say urination and doo doo. I, we, you are a nation of do doers and so shall ensue a time for our group of more than two to do to one another what god intended us not to do in polite circles or public places. We shall begin with mighty circles of steady pubic paces, undoing ready laces, and pressing gentle genitalia against genial faces.” And so, the crowd, rip-roaring sows took to the fornication, displacing isolation with moments of mutual masturbation.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Duis vulputate dui ut nisi porta vulputate. In vitae sem vel dolor suscipit egestas quis at lectus. Etiam rhoncus, libero id mattis accumsan, nisl sem pulvinar leo, id venenatis ligula ipsum ut metus. Suspendisse cursus mollis ligula, ut dignissim arcu elementum sit amet. Maecenas eu lorem sed tellus vestibulum mollis. Donec feugiat rhoncus magna vitae molestie. Phasellus mauris sapien, auctor non euismod eget, gravida vel nunc. Nulla eget hendrerit dolor. In blandit dapibus nisl id consequat. Duis pharetra est eget arcu tincidunt ut commodo orci congue. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Ut tempor posuere massa a accumsan. Nam scelerisque risus eros, a vestibulum sem.

 

You’ll no doubt wonder why I have included lorem ipsum text in my work. This nonsense text is an indication that the fore-foreplay has now ended and that foreplay should commence. It continues for another ten pages or so, which is the approximate time it takes to achieve one orgasm on the part (and in the parts) of both partners in a traditional two-person sexual pairing.

This book is geared toward all consenting adults and I have enclosed, as per usual, my entire manuscript for your perusal and perousal. I believe that Kindle Direct Publishing would be the best publishing house for this masterpiece because, while of a higher caliber than Shades of Grey, The Tall Tales of Tallish Tom will most likely be classified in the same genre by mainstream society. And, as Shades of Grey was originally self-published, I believe that you, Mr. Bezos, and your Amazon.com will see fit to self-publish my work through your Kindle House of Direct Publication as well.

 

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Thomas Nathaniel Andersen

(818) 555-1234

tallishtom@hotmale.com

Michael is the senior writer for 3D Printing Industry, the leading blog devoted to 3D printing technology. He is also the founder of The Reality™ Institute, a service institute dedicated to determining what's real and what's not so that you don't have to. He is a graduate of the MFA Critical Studies and Writing Program at CalArts, and a firm advocate of world peace. He currently resides in San Pedro with his magical wife, Danielle.