I’d like to set the record straight: last week’s defeat of the Go-Go-Naut’s Green Team by your White Extreme Gleam Team was not and cannot be a league-sanctioned win. Using your adult butler, Bailey, as a substitute player during the last three minutes of the game was an inappropriate and frankly insulting choice for an elementary school intramural league basketball game, for reasons that seem fairly obvious to your peers on both teams (although players on your side were less apt to object, again, for reasons that also seem, to me, fairly obvious). I will not list these reasons for the sake of brevity; however, I do ask that you consider why this might anger your classmates. Put yourself in our shoes, which is an expression people use when they are asking you to think about what it’s like to be in the opposing situation in a conflict such as this.
It has come to my attention that your father has already ordered special silver uniforms for the championship game, which your team is, in fact, not eligible to participate in. I have sent this letter post-haste in hopes that your family will have the chance to cancel this order before the uniforms are manufactured. I will also remind you that the Elwood County School District does not look fondly upon unsolicited sponsorship of any school team, be it basketball or any other sport. You may recall last year’s badminton uniform fiasco, which were also supplied by private funds from your family. I must also add that you might consider that your teammates may not appreciate the gift of a custom-made uniform with “Crosswire Motors” emblazoned on almost every available surface.
I hope this does not distract your attention too much from Mr. Ratburn’ s upcoming history test on Tuesday, but we all felt this issue must be addressed as soon as possible. Finally, I would remind you that, as members of the Chlorocebus genus, I and my family harbor no reservations in launching our own feces as projectiles to resolve disputes, nor would we balk at doing so in the general vicinity of your estate. I say this not as a threat to you, or your own loved ones, but merely to emphasize the fact that, should you continue down your current path, your shit could undoubtedly get broke by a hardened briquette of the same.
Francine A. Frensky
Go-Go-Naut’s Green Team Captain
Adria Bregani is a scientist and artist living in Los Angeles, California.