The Weather

Contingency Plans

Plan A
It should be a lovely afternoon. We’ve reserved the picnic tables at Bogard Park next Friday from noon to three. There’s a brand new jungle gym for the kids and a beautiful view of the hills. We will have fresh egg salad sandwiches, watermelon, and Jeff’s famous double fudge brownies. Then we will have some fun group activities like an egg-on-a-spoon race and our annual leap frog competition. During the last hour we’ll have a round of champagne toasts and Laura will give her usual wacky recap of the events of the last year.

Plan B
In case the grocery store is short on eggs, we may have to have a blindfolded race instead of an egg-on-a-spoon race. Also we would need to substitute the egg salad sandwiches from last week’s sensitivity training for the fresh ones. I’m told that they mostly still smell fine.

Plan C
Should Laura’s laryngitis flare up again, her less charismatic brother Jonathan will take over the recap. Also, since Jonathan doesn’t work here, he probably doesn’t get the jokes that Laura wrote in, so he won’t know when to stop for laughs. It might be a little awkward.

Plan D
If Jeff doesn’t have enough chocolate, we will have to make due with his infamous single chocolate brownies.

Plan E
If I don’t have time to make it to the wine shop tonight, we won’t have any champagne for the toasts. Instead we will just reopen that bottle of grape juice that’s been sitting out in the break room since Sandra’s birthday party. I accidentally tried it last week and, trust me; it’s plenty fizzy and alcoholic.

Plan F
If it’s foggy and you can’t see the hills, you can still see the garbage disposal plant across the street. And you can sure as hell smell it.

Plan G
If the paint on the new jungle gym hasn’t dried yet, there’s an old playground at the other end of the park. Sure, it’s seen better days and that see-saw is pretty rusty, but as long as nobody’s kids have any open wounds or anything, we should be fine. But definitely bring some iodine or something just in case.

Plan H
If it rains, we have ponchos available for guests. Unfortunately, in order to save money, we bought extras from radical political rallies. I suggest you bring raingear if you have qualms advertising any of the following groups/causes: Free Madoff, CPUSA, Unite the Dakotas, Occupy Coney Island, Quebec Libré, or Thurmond for President ’04.

Jordy Greenblatt is a contributor to McSweeney's Internet Tendency and co-writes the humor blog Put It All on Red. He moonlights as a mathematician sometimes.