The Weather

Baby-in-Waiting: From Cradle to Fave

After the success of our “Baby Diet: Diet for Babies”, we thought we’d touch on what babies are actually doing right. It turns out that, although the traditional diet of milk and pureed foods does absolutely nothing for babies, it’s the perfect solution for you to drop the pounds, lose the fug, and gain his attention. Keep it cute and be reborn with these lessons learned from naughty newborns and bootylicious babies!

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1. Hasta la vista, baby fat – What’s cuter than looking like a baby? Weighing like a baby. But you’re not going to get that 7 lbs. 6 oz. bod without changing the way you eat. So, put down the cigarettes and pick up the bottle! A strict diet of formula fasting will give you the nutrients you need and spitting up will ensure you ditch the calories before he ditches you.

 

2. Baby Face – Around the age of 10 years, even the loveliest of ladies begin to lose collagen in their faces, causing premature aging and noticeable sagging of the skin. And, by our mid-tweens, our cells begin to undergo complete cellular entropy, causing a depletion in our societal worth. But fret not, feministas!  There’s still hope: Makeup can fake it until you save up for some surg! Create two perfect circles in magenta blush to mimic infant rosacea; gloss over your natural lip line to create the illusion of baby salivation; inhale pepper to keep eyes glassed over before your next big date. Cuuuute!!!

 

3. Rosemary’s Baby – Conjure up the ghost of a baby on your Ouija board and demand eternal youth. Lip Tip: Get it to inhabit your body before bed for a rejuvenating night treatment. Now that’s what we call beauty sleep!

 

4. Baby monitor – It’s a scary world out there when you don’t have him to protect you! Until your next boyfriend, stash baby monitors throughout your apartment to promote that feeling of security. Lip Tip! Stream online to ensure you’re never forever alone again!!!

 

5. Three Men and a Baby – You’re the baby in this scenario… nuff said! 😉

 

6. Cry Baby – Studies have found that babies with colic weigh less. If you’re struggling to drop the elle bees, then maybe it’s time for you to take a more honest approach to life. Bummer Beautycamp begins now!! Focus on loss. Your sweet grandma’s gone forever and you’re never going to get him back. More importantly, you lose your skin elasticity and youth every dayLip Tip! Always remember: your excess weight and asymmetry make you unlovable ;(  ;(  ;(

 

7. Baby shower –Once you’ve lost the weight, it’s time to show the world the real, thin you. Throw yourself a fab Coming Out Party! Although it might be tempting to take all the hard-earned attention, you should also use this as an opportunity to discuss the real elephants in the room. Talk to your friends about their recent weight gain and how concerned you are. Help them enroll in their own Bummer Beautycamp. Then you’ll be the star of their Coming Out speech!

 

8. Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers – This one’s really gonna wet your diaper. Next time he’s in the middle of robbing your cradle, switch it up by wearing the condoms on your butts!! (Lip Tip: Sit criss-cross applesauce to get the most out of this new position for him). And don’t forget to bring a cute towel; the new sensation will make him preemie all over you!

 

9. Million Dollar Baby – Ever wonder why babies and the rich are so cute? They have people for that. Invest in your appearance. Manis! Pedis! Beauty Bar! Face Rubs! Colonics! Face! Thin! Beautiful! Young! The more you spend, the prettier you feel!

 

10. Rock-a-Bye Baby – A man likes a girl who plays hard to get! Test his aptitude for object permanence by leaving before he arrives. Pop up unexpected. Expected? Don’t show up!! Unexpected? NEVER LEAVE! It’s what to expect when you’re never expecting!!

 

11. Baby Powder –Tired of being a cry baby during painful anal? No need to call the waaahmbulance, Lip Service has you covered! Try a baby powder anti-lubricant in the other hole!  It’ll ensure that he gets the tighter sensation from you that he deserves, and you get a different kind of unpleasant feeling that you crave. 😉

 

12. Naked Baby Photos – Invite him over to your parent’s house for dinner, leaving pornographic pics of yourself in the family photo album ahead of time. Oopsies, how did that get there? Moooommm?!?!

 

13. Baby Talk –What gets a guy hotter than a one digit BMI? Talking like your one-digit-old (or less!). Tell him how your wittle pooty cat can’t wait to see his big wee wee fireman. Goo goo gee gee! Aw, daddy gonna pweamie all over your diapee!!

 

 

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The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of author, designer, media mogul Samantha Miranda. After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Lifestyle Bible, Lip Service Magazine.