Gemini (22 May – 21 June)
Spring has sprung, the rose doth bloom more ruddy ‘neath the dew, and local fauns will decide you might be “one of the good ones” after all—even given That Thing last June. Be gentle this year. Otherwise you will sprout goatish extremities, and the merciless brats across the street will start calling you “Tumnus.” Again.
Cancer (22 June – 22 July
Your “please everyone else first” policy has earned you little friendship and less respect at the workplace. Nonetheless, do keep it up; we’ll never tell you but we really dig the muffins.
Leo (23 July – 22 August)
Sometimes writing these horoscopes is difficult because the night is cloudy and the stars elusive, or else because one is afraid of delivering bad news. So thanks for narrowing our task, Leo, by sending us this very specific question, the answer to which is NO, regardless what your cousin Lenny says, a Planned Parenthood protest is not a “reasonable place to meet chicks.” Miserabile dictu, you will not listen to us. Have fun explaining the photos to your mom.
Virgo (23 August – 23 September)
Never say “Trevor” again. (The jurors still haven’t forgiven you.)
Libra (24 September – 23 October)
Mmm, a distinctly scaly situation this week, as two of your exes arrive simultaneously on your doorstep bearing bouquets, apologies, and promises of oral pleasure. Work the diplomacy with your usual suavity. Florid orgies await.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November)
Man cannot live on bread alone. But what about Woman? That could be a fun experiment. Not that we condone experimenting on humans, as a rule, but certain scenarios are awfully tempting. Anyway proceed with caution and let us know how it goes. To say that we are eager to watch your perp-walk is the understatement of the week.
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December)
Sorry, Sagittarius, but you just lost our “understatement of the week” contest. The prize for second place (to put it lightly) is often associated with a sensation of burning ‘round the genitals.
Capricorn (22 December – 20 January)
Rome wasn’t built in a day, but that IKEA desk of yours sure was. Soon it will buckle under the Falstaffian mass of your latest roman à clef, rightly characterized as such in that the reader needs a physical key to unlock the tome. The key and its wax impressions having been crushed under the desk, even you cannot gain entry to the novel, a thought which brings the first wave of sanity you have known in weeks. This will pass.
Aquarius (21 January – 19 February)
A condom saved is a condom earned. Don’t feel worthless—feel “frugal.”
Pisces (20 February – 20 March)
You will run out of condoms this week, but do not fear! Just ring an Aquarius and ask about “the stash.”
Aries (21 March – 20 April)
You receive a standing ovation at your five-year college reunion after you chip a tooth making out with a statue of the dean. At the time, this will strike you as good clean fun; later, you will sit shivering in the darkness, racked with guilt and waiting for the tears to come as you realize that statues can’t give consent good God what have I done.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May)
Taurus, don’t be the loutish bull who annihilates the innocent merchandise of a china shop. Instead, be a responsible, upper-middle-class bull who politely enters a china shop, negotiates the purchase of two full dinner-sets, makes an elegant joke to put the salesman at ease, and then destroys the rest of the merchandise with a stamping of hooves and a frenzy of horns. Miraculously, the dinner-sets will remain unharmed, and Mrs. Taurus will invite Gemini-plus-date (see above) for a couples dinner where everyone has horns and tails. NB: Do not cavil when Mrs. Taurus asks you to put on your white tie and tails.
Ted Scheinman is a culture reporter based in Chapel Hill. He has written for the Oxford American Quarterly, the Los Angeles Review of Books, Pacific Standard, Slate, and various other screen- or print-based concerns. His first book of nonfiction will appear via Faber in late 2014. He once gave Sam Shepard his autograph, and Tilda Swinton once served him coffee. (We're really not kidding — click here!) Follow him on Twitter: @Ted_Scheinman.