Aries (21 March – 20 April)
You can do slices if it makes you feel better, but you already know you’re eating the whole thing.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May)
You accidentally lock eyes with the senior vice president through the sliver of daylight between the door and frame of the toilet stall. Update your c.v.
Gemini (22 May – 21 June)
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then they grudgingly give you store credit.
Cancer (22 June – 22 July)
Your sense of fashion is improving, but it’s being undermined by the bits of salsa encrusted on the crotch of every pair of pants you own. Employ napkins prophylactically.
Leo (23 July – 22 August)
DId you know YOU can earn ***$85000 /per year*** from you home on The internet???? there are BIG oportunites online for yourNOW just folow in this website u wont beleve! how EaSY it is to make easy $$$ just by signing up your NAME& email & 5 friends to make esay cash tODAY!1!
Virgo (23 August – 23 September)
Frustrated by a paucity of suitors, you delete your refusal to be “big spoon” from your online dating profile. Better to file this tic under Future Disappointments, alongside your poor credit, inscrutable sense of humor, and unflattering intercoital expressions.
Libra (24 September – 23 October)
You engineer a new diet based on out-of-body experiences. Through meditation, you teach each client to reduce their body mass by the sum of his or her material soul. “Shed that flabby sense of presence in time for beach season!” you see yourself exclaim in an interview on Good Morning America. “I look great,” you think.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November)
You unearth your old Tamagotchi from the bottom of a desk drawer in your childhood bedroom. Having survived the last fourteen years on battery discharge, it has become feral and learned to hate. You are mortified, but cannot bring yourself to destroy it. History will remember this as a crucial moment in the machine uprising.
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December)
Another Friday night, another Wikipedia editing war over the “correct” average human penis size. Apparently, some people can’t wrap their heads around the concept of sampling bias in studies that rely on self-measurement! And since when are we giving credence to Wylie and Earldley (2007; x = 5.5 to 6.3 in) over Ponchietti et al. (2001; x = 4.9 in). Just because Wylie was a meta-analysis? Hello, anybody ever heard of the base-rate fallacy? Pathetic.
Capricorn (22 December – 20 January)
Opt for pith.
Aquarius (21 January – 19 February)
You find yourself measuring your life against the lives of characters on network television shows. “I don’t understand,” you say, “they’re always talking about how poor they are, but they live in a 3,000-square-foot loft in L.A.?” And, like, if these people are this good-looking and clever, why don’t they have successful careers in the entertainment industry, like the actors who are playing them? Fear not, Aquarius: Simply tune in to next week’s episode, when the characters grapple with these exact questions and reach an upbeat resolution in a brisk twenty-two minutes.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March)
A bracing gust of wind prompts you to think these exact words: “This wind is stupid hash tag windopinions.” You cannot tell whether this means you should use Twitter more, or less. So you pose the question to your Twitter followers, pausing at a street corner to wait for a response. The crosswalk lights cycle several times. The wind gusts again, unchecked. You have never felt more powerless.
Steve Kolowich is a willing but deeply confused citizen of the internet. His work has appeared in various publications and will probably never disappear. You can follow him on Twitter @stevekolowich, and you can also follow him in real life—if you can figure out where he lives, which wouldn't be that hard.