Pisces (20 February – 20 March)
Sorry to hear you lost your office’s Oscar pool. But serves you right for betting on Jackass Presents Bad Grandpa to win for Best Makeup and Hairstyling. Please pay your blood debt by the end of the week, or it will be taken out of your next paycheck.
Aires (21 March – 20 April)
You know the neighbor’s dog that smells funny and once vomited in your bushes? Yeah, it just got hired by Vox Media, too.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May)
After enough scrimping and saving, and collecting the requisite number of turntables, it’s finally coming together: You’re going to host that Zaireeka listening party you’ve been dreaming about since you first read the Wikipedia entry on The Flaming Lips eight years ago.
Gemini (22 May – 21 June)
Bereft of salt and other de-icing agents, you decide that your method of fending off the approaching late-season snowstorm will be to craft yourself a garland of daisies. While your homespun craftiness will make you the envy of Etsy, it will do little to protect yourself from winter’s wrath. Sorry, Gemini — your daisy chain will not protect you from the post-blizzard ice marauders. Worse, still, you will not be able to wear a proper hat.
Cancer (22 June – 22 July)
BuzzFeed Quiz: Which famous Cancer are you? (Spoiler alert: All answers are Lizzie Borden.)
Leo (23 July – 22 August)
You will be invited to Taurus’s Zaireeka listening party. It’s a trap!
Virgo (23 August – 23 September)
In the ultimate act of betrayal, your friend with HBO changes the password on his HBO Go account. In response, you change your Netflix password to lock him out of your viewing queue. He responds by stealing your magazines out of your mailbox. By sundown on the third day, the simmering conflict has exploded into full-scale urban warfare, with neighbor siding against neighbor, food shortages, and, most gravely, your not knowing what happened during the most recent episode of True Detective.
Libra (24 September – 23 October
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November)
Your fantasy basketball team has plummeted to the bottom of your league. As tempting as it is to pin your failure on Carmelo Anthony’s reluctance to play defense, it turns out a hacker has been messing with your lineup. Your bank accounts and credit cards are untouched, but you must live with the embarrassment of fielding a team full of Milwaukee Bucks, your penance for making your password “ShaqFu1996.”
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December)
Vladimir Putin seizes your land.
Capricorn (22 December – 20 January)
You find yourself entered in a Scrabble tournament. Victory means eternal glory, and at least 65 points if you play it in a turn.
Aquarius (21 January – 19 February)
That fantasy basketball hack you pulled on Scorpio sure was fun. For your next endeavor, you will execute a DDoS attack on your therapist’s website after she diagnoses you as a small thinker.
Benjamin Freed is a writer who does things for various magazines, newspapers, and websites, and is definitely not the collective pen name of a creative writing class at Middlebury College. You can follow him on Twitter at @brfreed, though he mostly tweets about North Pacific tidal patterns.