Aries (21 March – 20 April)
Having filled out your NCAA tournament bracket according to the auras of each school’s home jersey, you will glide into April in a state of impenetrable serenity. Your footsteps will land with the softness of clouds, the air will seem to hum when you enter a room, and songbirds will welcome you to every new day. You will also finish dead last in your office’s March Madness pool.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May)
Go ahead. Scratch that itch. Scratch any itch. Scratch my itch. Scratch the itch on the underside of the person seated next to you on the bus. Professional itch-scratching is an untapped market just waiting for the entrepreneurial zeal of a Taurus like you.
Gemini (22 May – 21 June)
Hey, we all loved True Detective and we all want to talk about how great it was. But remember the parable about the boy who said, “we’re all in Carcosa now.” When he actually did wind up in Carcosa, nobody believed him and he didn’t stand a chance against the Yellow King.
Cancer (22 June – 22 July)
Sally can, in fact, wait.
Leo (23 July – 22 August)
Leo, we need to talk. We’re all very proud of you for starting a band. Genre experimentation is great, but you need to stop taking everything so literally. For starters: “crust punk” does not mean you walk on stage wearing nothing but a loaf of bread.
Virgo (23 August – 23 September)
You will receive the following form letter from Newsweek:
Hey, it’s us, Newsweek. So, a few weeks ago, we might have really done a bunk and identified the wrong Satoshi Nakamoto as the Satoshi Nakamoto of Bitcoin notoriety. We’re pretty sure we got the right guy—say, somewhere between 45 and 61 percent confidence—but just in case we didn’t, please fill out the attached legally binding affidavit affirming you are not the Satoshi Nakamoto who invented Bitcoin. Also, please enclose a check for $1,000 and write in the memo line, “I swear I did not invent Bitcoin. I promise. You guys nailed it.”
Probably best to throw it in the trash. On the other hand, if you did invent Bitcoin….
Libra (24 September – 23 October)
“Goddamn it, Gemini, if you tell me I’m in Carcosa one more time, you’re going to be in Carcosa.”
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November)
You’ve got a pretty cool name already, Scorpio. So why do you have to run around town telling everyone that you’re Serpico? Nobody thinks you’re Serpico.
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December)
This is supposed to be a column on astrological fortunes, not etiquette. But we feel bound to tell you, Sagittarius: No more dinner invitations that read, “Bring Your Own Malaysian Airlines Crackpot Theory!” You are a better person, and we have CNN for that.
Capricorn (22 December – 20 January)
You owe Taurus $4,500 for three itch-scratching sessions. No, he doesn’t take Obamacare.
Aquarius (21 January – 19 February)
It will take some time, but you will eventually recover from the horrible night of Leo’s crust punk show. You will learn to love hardcore music anew. You may even learn to love true crust punk. But sandwiches will be ruined forever, and for that, you have our sincerest condolences.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March)
No, really. Where is that airplane?
Benjamin Freed is a writer who does things for various magazines, newspapers, and websites, and is definitely not the collective pen name of a creative writing class at Middlebury College. You can follow him on Twitter at @brfreed, though he mostly tweets about North Pacific tidal patterns.