Pisces (20 February – 20 March)
You might not believe this, Pisces, but you’ll meet a man on the street who has a giant exotic cat on a leash. He’ll ask you if you’ve ever played charades with a Bengal Tiger. When you say no, he’ll ask if you’ve ever spent time as a prisoner of war. After you tell him you haven’t, he’ll begin to seem frustrated. Once you again respond in the negative to his question of whether you’ve ever ridden a bucking bronco under the wild Wyoming stars, he’ll roll his eyes and walk away, leaving you, Pisces, wondering why your life is so boring.
Aries (21 March – 20 April)
You decide to start biking to work this week and set out on a new commute Monday morning. You’ll only make it halfway down the block before a senile but still spry neighborhood cat recklessly runs under your front wheel and injures itself. Take it to a veterinary clinic and say to the receptionist, “You treat this cat like it’s the President of the United States.” If he starts to protest and say something like, “All patients are treated the same here,” cut him off and say, “Like the President of the God damn United States,” and walk out briskly because you’re late for work.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May)
This is a special week for you, Taurus. The circus is in town and hyenas will be howling at the moon. Get the hell out of there, head up to the mountains, and visit the ghost of Charlie Chaplin, who will be in a log cabin making a charcoal drawing of a wooden drug-store Indian. Ask him to play raquetball. He will accept your invitation and the events that follow will change both your lives (mostly yours, though, since he’s already dead).
Gemini (22 May – 21 June)
This week, Gemini, you’re going to meet the man with the fastest horse, the prettiest sister, the surest rifle, the ugliest dog, the hairiest sideburns, the drunkest country cousin, the most persuasive telephone voice, the creamiest clam chowder recipe, the most broken-in baseball mitt, the brassiest trombone, the most flexible employer, the bravest wife, the silliest children, the darkest sense of humor, the cutest collection of rococo porcelin figurines, and the biggest pair of brass knuckles that you’ve ever seen. Prepare yourself well for this encounter.
Cancer (22 June – 22 July)
Due to Venus entering the house of Cancer, this week you’ll discover that you have the ability to identify the killer in each episode of Murder, She Wrote upon first sight. Somewhere in the middle of season five, Mars will converge on Jupiter and your gift will vanish. You might be bummed that you didn’t have a chance to demonstrate it for Angela Lansbury, but count yourself lucky anyways.
Leo (23 July – 22 August)
While driving past a construction zone on your way home from work, you’ll see a succession of electronic signs that read, “Remember what you really wanted to do with your life? What happened to that optimistic youngster? You were going to be the kind of person who made things happen. Now you’re just driving home to a leaking roof, canned beans, and an argument with your neighbor about just who is blocking whose driveway with their garbage cans. You disgust me.” Food for thought, Leo.
Virgo (23 August – 23 September)
You know how sometimes after swimming you have to pound the side of your head on the bed in order to get the water out of your ears? Well, Virgo, brace yourself, because this week you’re going to be doing a lot of head-bed pounding. The stars are testing you, and like mad voodoo witch doctors, their reasons are often mysterious, so don’t waste your time wondering why. Instead, just pound away until the water is gone.
Libra (24 September – 23 October)
Having forgotten to do the laundry and out of socks, this week you’ll begin picking things up with your bare feet and find it quite convenient. It is only when you go to the grocery store that you’ll discover how mired in the past people can be. Imagine how Copernicus, Andy Kaufman, and other revolutionaries felt when their ideas were spurned, because that’s how you’re going to feel.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November)
Since you’re a lost soul, and her pastor needs an example to use, a friend will invite you to her church. Go, Scorpio, have a good time, and stick around afterwards for the pastor’s wife’s award-winning blueberry muffins.
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December)
The best thing you can do this week, Sagittarius, is to dream a little dream. Go to sleep and you’ll wake up on a sunny beach. A hundred yards offshore, look for the rock reef with the girl wearing a bikini and Converse sneakers on it. Swim to her. Enjoy the fact that everything looks like a Cezanne painting, with the colors all bright and twisting. But I forgot to warn you that a huge tsunami is headed your way. It’s hundreds of feet tall and growing higher as it approaches. You might want to make your move with the girl fast before you wake up and have to go to work.
Capricorn (22 December – 20 January)
If you find an eagle feather outside your door this week, Capricorn, pick it up. With it, you’ll finally feel like the master of your destiny, even though that may not be entirely accurate.
Aquarius (21 January – 19 February)
You will receive a piece of mail soliciting donations from the nearby convent for slightly wayward girls. You are torn, because you don’t want to reward them for their waywardness by subsidizing their housing, but you also recognize that they might be in a tough spot and have nowhere else to turn. Your call, Aquarius.
Ian Edwards is a writer living near San Francisco. He tweets at @ian_edw.