Pisces (20 February – 20 March)
Mars is in the Tenth House. For exactly one hour every day this month, you will be able to understand the language of bears and capable of speaking with them. Unfortunately, that hour will occur while you are asleep, and you will never know you had this skill. Nevertheless, bears will always respect you for it.
Aries (21 March – 20 April)
You will offend someone without knowing it. Later, when you learn what you have done, you will apologize while secretly resenting them for taking offense in the first place. You will never forgive them, although you will always act friendly when you come into contact with one another.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May)
Remember, Daylight Savings does not apply to you this year, along with one of the more minor laws of thermodynamics. Which one? Only fourteen-thirds of a way to find out.
Gemini (22 May – 21 June)
Your face will look weird today. Not puffy, exactly, but weird. You know what I mean.
Cancer (22 June – 22 July)
Her drinking will never get better. She knows this. You will never leave her, no matter how bad it gets. She knows this, too, and is glad to see you so miserable and so bound to her. Oddly enough, this is entirely the fault of a single meteor interrupting the transit of Mars. Even more oddly, this meteor will eventually strike the earth in the exact spot she always told you she wanted you to scatter her ashes. You never did, because you died first. By the time she died, there was no one left alive who cared what she had wanted.
Leo (23 July – 22 August)
Your coworkers do not appreciate the homemade baked goods you bring to work every other Friday; in fact, they think less of you for it. It is part of the reason why you will never be promoted, even though you will continue to have “promising” quarterly progress reports. The other part of the reason is that you link to your personal running blog in your gchat status. Every one of your cubicle mates reads it on a weekly basis and feels embarrassed for you, but they will never tell you the truth.
Virgo (23 August – 23 September)
He will never love you again. You will never stop wanting him to.
Libra (24 September – 23 October)
Venus, the planet that helps to smooth over difficulties, will disappear today. Strangely enough, this will not affect your home life. Scientists will be baffled, then angry, then resigned. Everything will continue as before.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November)
You will seize the East Coast and give the Denver Broncos to a friend. Problems in the germ warfare division may bleed into your “me” time. Avoid the hammock district.
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December)
Too often in the past you have lacked the confidence and the energy to follow through on a good idea. This habit will persist and grow worse with time.
Capricorn (22 December – 20 January)
You are a coward and you know yourself to be a coward. You left those men there to die.
Aquarius (21 January – 19 February)
You will embarrass yourself at a dinner party by being the first to get drunk. You will get so drunk that no one else will want to get drunk anymore, even the ones who had intended to at the beginning of the night. Four people will seriously rethink their drinking habits because of how badly you behave. You will throw up twice, once in a hallway and once somewhere you cannot be quite sure of. You will always wonder, and always worry where it was, but you will never ask your friends because you are not sure you want to know the answer.
Mallory Ortberg edits the-toast.net.