Gemini (22 May – 21 June)
This week you will discover a new method of preparing your favorite sandwich. Congratulations!
Cancer (22 June – 22 July)
While driving down the interstate this week, you will pass an eighteen-wheeler with this poem inscribed on its side:
I am a long-haul trucker
I truck from town to town
And when I’m off doing my truckin’
Don’t you bother coming ‘round
Load it, lock it, clear the dock
Movin’ this cargo’s child’s play
I’m the best that ever was, sans doubt
I’m the Lord of the Highway
Leo (23 July – 22 August)
Somebody once said that the passion for destruction is itself a creative passion. Keep that in mind this week while working on your plan to knock your neighbors’ bulky potted plant off your shared back patio and try to do the smashing with style.
Virgo (23 August – 23 September)
Don’t doubt the sincerity of a new admirer: some people show their love best through aggressive and foul-mouthed remarks.
Libra (24 September – 23 October)
You will soon take the city. When you do, be merciful to its inhabitants and forget not your duty to the greater glory of the Empire.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November)
If you need some inspiration, Scorpio, remember that sloth is the first chapter in the book of success. Greatness and accomplishment and all that come after the sloth, so take a load off this week.
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December)
Signs, signs, everywhere there’s signs. There’s too many signs. Maybe it’s time for you do something about all those signs, like getting rid of some of those damn signs.
Capricorn (22 December – 20 January)
Rent a rowboat this week. If you don’t like it, return it and get a paddleboat. If you don’t like that one, return it and get some other kind of a boat, then inflatable flotation devices, then maybe a kickboard? Take to the sea, whatever your vessel.
Aquarius (21 January – 19 February)
Go on a juice diet this week, Aquarius. They’re not fads, they’re super healthy, but the vested interests of the grain, meat, vegetable, sugar, and fat industries are trying to hide the truth. Don’t let them win.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March)
A group of local youths will throw milkshakes at your head and leave you unconscious in a Dairy Queen this week. Sorry I don’t have better news.
Aries (21 March – 20 April)
Start a band. Call your best seven friends. Not all have to be musicians; one can play the maracas and another can be a dedicated dancer. Or don’t start a band, I don’t really care.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May)
It’s summertime, which means garage-sale time. Which means time to dream! Dream about redecorating your home with other people’s junk. Junk that isn’t really junk. Like a ceramic orange bear-shaped lamp you might just discover, orphaned in a bin. One man gathers what another man spills.
Ian Edwards is a writer living near San Francisco. He tweets at @ian_edw.